"We're Just Not There Yet"- The Blog

Fantasy Football

2012-02-02T11:15:00.001-05:00

Super Bowl Sunday! Whether you love the sport, the commercials or the color blue, there is something for everyone this weekend. Super Bowl Sunday is host to many yearly records including more wings delivered/served than any other day of the year, the most expensive 30 sec commercials of the year, and the only time of the year when you can gamble on the length of the National Anthem: I'm taking the -240 over at 1 minute 58 seconds. Most people in America choose to watch the largest grossing single sporting event in the world at Super Bowl parties hosted by their friends, or at BW3’s, where sporting events come to life. I am, you guessed it, traveling. This time, I'll be on the last leg of a DEN-SFO-LAX-ATL-CLT trip. And even though I grew up cheering for the Pats, this year (for the second year in a row) I'll probably be missing the big game.

Now, it won't be the score that concerns me, or the fact that there will be way too much blue in the stands and on the field, but rather a poll I had read yesterday morning that shocked and awed me. You know Zoosk? The self proclaimed #1 singles dating site that always pops up on your Facebook add bar? Well Zoosk did a poll with their members concerning sex and the Super Bowl. The question was this:

“If you could only pick one, would you rather watch the Super Bowl this Sunday, or have sex?”

Here’s the scary part: 73% of women responded that they’d rather watch Sunday’s big game than have sex, whereas nearly 50% of men said they’d rather have sex than watch the game. The men part didn’t shock me, it seems like they are getting so little action that they'd even give up the biggest sporting event of the year, just to get a piece (either that or half of the guys were soccer fans). But the women? Football over sex! Ok, I know what you’re thinking… Commercials, and the halftime show, right? Wrong. The game ranked highest for all respondents as their favorite part of the overall event. The halftime show got only 20% of the vote! And for good reason too. I don't care if Madonna is planning on expressing herself. Is it still called karaoke when you're singing along to your own songs? I can't think of a good halftime show since JT showed off the girl Jackson's nipple clamp. Remember Fergie’s off pitch singing last year? Or the Stones awful display of wrinkles while playing instruments the year before? Don't get me started... Anyway, picking football over sex? What’s wrong with you people? I can understand maybe 20 years ago when there was no instant replay or way to watch the commercials on the Internet at a later time, but it’s 2011! Learn how to use TiVO!

Before I go any further, I feel as though this blog needs a disclaimer. I think it’s extremely sexy when girls are sports fans, and I enjoy watching sports with girls (when they're actually enjoying it). Believe me, I know sometimes it’s nice to just sit in front of the TV and do nothing, but read the poll question again: One or the other. This poll wouldn’t have shocked me if 90% of the guys said they’d rather watch the football game. Most guys enjoy watching over-grown men in tights play catch. Also, you’ve got to figure that most of the guys out there are planning on consuming so much beer during this game that they wouldn’t be able to get it up anyway. But 73% of women choosing the game over sex blew my mind. In my opinion, if you’d rather watch a football game than have sex with your significant other (this is for the guys too!), you probably have something wrong in your relationship. Maybe the sex isn’t good, maybe the communication is off, or maybe you’re just more turned on by Tom Brady's hair than your boyfriend’s penis. Whatever it is, you might want to re-evaluate your sex life and start working on that part of your relationship.

Sex is both one of the first things to start a relationship and one of the first things to go. Ever hear about couples in long term relationships who rarely have or never have sex? I do, all the time. Sexuality is a huge part of a healthy relationship, physically, mentally and emotionally. Did you know that when you orgasm your brain releases something called Oxytocin, which is directly attributed to relaxation, a decrease in anxiety and fear, and the slight euphoric feeling you experience directly after the big O? Yep, it's science. And I feel that if science says I need to have sex to maintain a healthy balance in my life, I should be taping the Super Bowl and rolling around in the sack instead.

I understand the Super Bowl is a huge event, and probably an isolated incident, but there’s always a great excuse to why you can’t have sex tonight. At some point you need to ask yourself (or your significant other), would I rather have sex or watch X Factor tonight? Experience ecstasy with your lover, or flip on CMT on Friday to catch the next Sweet Home Alabama staring the lovely Paige Duke? Make love with the person you’ve chosen to be with, or keep up with the Kardashians... again? If you chose the latter, you might want to invest in a larger TV, because after a few seasons, you’re going to need those extra inches to keep you company…

WJNTY - Seth

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You Can Be A Lady, Or You Can Be A Tramp...

2012-01-30T10:57:00.000-05:00

All right ladies, so we need to talk. There is an epidemic taking place right now and it’s time we addressed it. Many people assume that because I write about relationships and stuff, I must just sit around talking with women, listening to them bitch about their dating lives, and then go off and write blogs about it. I only wish I could actually do that shit! For one thing, I would never run out of material, which would be great; but of course the major downside of it would be that I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have any friends left if I did. And so I don’t.

I do have some really amazing girlfriends’ though. I have some women in my life that truly have their shit together, and when I say together… I mean that they require nothing more of me besides my company and pretty smile, that’s it. No ear raping, no Groundhog Day relationship problems for me to solve and no stupid boys draining the cool from them, which is a very good thing because I’d no doubt have to step in and beat them away with sticks, if I ever saw that happening.

That being said, I also know some complete hot messes too.

I don’t get too close to the hot messes though. I don’t really have time for it. Plus they'll never listen anyway, which is why they're a fucking mess in the first place! The truth is,

Some people can't be helped and some messes just can't be cleaned.

People will say, “You give such good advice!”

I don’t really see it that way. I just think I provide honest opinions when other people tend to beat around the bush.

“Do you think that he’s cheating on me?” -Yes.

"Do you think he'll marry me?"-No.

“Why does he lock his phone?”-Because he knows you wouldn’t have a reason left to trust him if you ever saw what’s in there.

“Are my roots bad” -Fuck yes, and you seriously need a fill in on those nails!

Should I call him again, or just wait till he calls me? -I’m sure as soon as he’s done fucking that other girl he’ll call you right back, lets just wait!

I guess where I’m going with this, is that I’m a bit put off lately by other people's dumb bullshit. That’s really why I don’t hang out with messy girls, or guys actually. I don’t have time for any of it. I also can't stand it when people are fake, that's the worst.

My life is ticking away one heartbeat at a time and I refuse to waste even a minute of it on people who aren’t sincere.

So on to this epidemic, I’ll make this simple, short, and sweet.

Ladies, whenever you say to a guy, “I’m sorry I’ve just been really busy!”

What he really hears is this,

“Sorry but I don’t think calling you back is worth my time; in-between looking at photos of myself on Facebook, texting my ex and bleaching my teeth... I’ve just been really busy”

When you fail to show someone even the common courtesy of sending a simple text back or returning their calls, you don't appear "busy" you appear to be someone who's lacking basic manners.

Manners are a very important thing, they still mean something in our world, or at least they do for what few true ladies still exist out there.

Yet most girls play games everyday. For example every girl I know has her phone practically glued to her fucking hand, yet I keep hearing these stories from my guys friends about girls that are constantly making plans with them and then bailing out at the very last second, without even a simple text or call to explain why?

So, like I said before, I don’t put up with girls like that. The girls who I call my friends, all have manners. A friendship without manners isn’t a friendship; it’s a waste of time. So maybe its time for a quick brush up. Justin brought sexy back; I guess I need to bring manners back.

Fine I got this one JT, Ladies, if you follow this advice, I promise you that manners will come naturally.

If someone calls you, call them back.

If someone does something nice, say thank you.

Everybody has a job, friends, and works-out, you are not any busier than anyone else is.

Don’t blow people off.

If you make plans, honor them.

People are not options, they’re people, treat them as such.

Don’t lie.

Don’t text during meals or movies.

Texting someone to cancel plans is spineless.

Playing with people’s hearts is classless.

Don’t make people wait, be on time.

Don’t say things that you don’t truly mean.

You don’t have to like everyone, but you should still try and be polite.

Don’t cheat on people.

Don’t talk about people that you don’t know.

Saying, “I didn’t see your call” is complete bullshit.

Don’t make people feel stupid, no one likes how that feels.

Always be gracious.

Don’t use people.

Some people have a lot and some people don’t, but everyone deserves respect.

Always be kind to servers and old people.

Don’t comment on things that people can’t help.

There are over seven billon people in the world today, some are kind and some are assholes, you need to pick a side.

Dress how you want to be treated.

Don’t be petty or cheap and always tip well.

Don’t punish people for past people’s bullshit.

“I love you” and “I’m sorry” should not be used lightly.

Always stand up for the weak.

If someone lies once, it’s their fault, twice, it’s your own fault.

Share things, just not boyfriends.

Vanity is a curse, be humble, it’s sexier.

I’m sure I missed a few, but it’s a start at least.

Be a true lady and start standing out, instead of just blending in to the messy girl background.

WJNTY- Daryl

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Open Your Eyes

2012-01-26T14:11:00.000-05:00

It’s been a rough road for me since my last breakup. Theloneliness, the questioning, the re-emerging and second-guessing. The postbreak up period is a terrible time for anyone. Even if you are the one whowanted out. Even if it was a terrible relationship. You still have secondthoughts, you still wonder, “what if…” In many of my past relationships, I’ve suppressed my feelings with rebounds. Great for a night, terrible for the long run. Sothis time around, I decided to spend some time thinking about myself and what Ireally needed, what would really, truly make me happy, and what I could becomfortable with in the future. I didn’t give myself a time limit and I didn’tmake any new relationship resolutions. I just sat back, relaxed, and for onceattempted to take my own advice.

It’s a catch 22 when you write for WJNTY. Coming up withgreat advice every week isn’t the hard part, it’s following it in your own lifethat is difficult. My close friends will laugh at me all the time because I’mthe first one to let the most hypocritical phrase out of my mouth: “Yea, Iunderstand, but my situation is different.” In other words, I have to wearreally thick-soled boots in my glass house.

But my time of reflection has been fantastic, and this time,more than any other, I actually feel that my rehab has been well received. Inow can admit my faults, see my future, and am 5 months sober, but still takingit one day at a time. But my real awaking was completed over the past 5 days,in the form of my Dad’s advice, a model couple and a single friend who have notonly opened my eyes, but also reinstated my faith in people and futurerelationships.

My best friend and I traveled a few hours away these past fewdays to go visit a girl we barely knew. She’s about to embark on a long journeyto another country, and I thought she deserved a proper goodbye. From the firsttime I met Amanda, I could tell she was an amazing person. Not amazing like,tells funny jokes and plays bingo with seniors on Wednesday nights, but amazinglike, the overwhelming feeling you get when you stare deep into someone’s eyes andwithin a split second realize without a shadow of a doubt they are 100%authentic and true. These people are rare, and deserve proper goodbyes. Sheportrays extreme beauty but doesn’t try for a second, powerful confidence witha hint of calm shyness, the quickness to be hilarious while making you feelthat you are the funny one, and the ability to remain friends with the oppositesex without even the faintest uncomfortable question that there might be more.She’s a catch for the right guy, but knows that there aren’t that many outthere who can fill the role. But the best part about her? The friends she keepsare all right up there with her.

Many are single, and a few are in relationships. Some aremarried, and one has a tiny little baby. But what they have in common is their unbridledlove and affection for one another. They welcomed my best friend and I withopen armed hugs, and made us feel like we were part of the group from minuteone. There was no trash talk between them, there was no cattiness, no drama andnothing you could consider as fake. We had serious talks about career goals ofone day reaching anchor on local news, and we laughed about ridiculousinfomercial ideas such as wacking and snacking. No conversation was out ofreach nor was held without full attentiveness, no phones were pulled out duringdinners and never was there a dull moment. And even though some may consider Amanda’strip risky, or even foolish, they were nothing but proud and supportive oftheir friend who has the balls to chase a dream. Our goodbyes were that ofpeople who have been friends for years. It was a relief to see a group of girlfriendslike that. Something I have not seen in a very long time, but needed toexperience more than I knew.

These amazing two days rode in on the coat tails of one ofthe better weekends I’ve had since moving to Charlotte. A bitter sweet goingaway party for my closest friends in Charlotte who are headed out west. I’llsave you the details on the weekend’s events. The party was great, food wasgood and booze was crazy. The turnout was huge for this amazing couple; peopleeven flew in just to wish them the best in the next chapter of their lives.

KC2, as we’ll call them, are admirable. They make true lovenot only seem possible, but extremely attainable and plausible. They have a wayof looking at each other that will melt the rest of the room away. Time stopsmomentarily as nothing else in the world could possibly matter except for thesilent communication that only they understand. Nostalgic stories are toldabout this kind of love. Wars were fought over it. It’s the kind of love we allpray to have once in our lives.

I’m just happy that I get the opportunity to see that itexists. Some people never get the chance to see true love, let alone experienceit themselves. Many people leap into proximity infatuation believing it willturn into true love and waste their lives away searching for the greener grass.KC2 won’t have that problem. I’d like to say they are lucky, but that would bethe easy way out. They created a foundation the right way. They dated for along time throughout huge changes in their lives. Between college, real worldjobs and traveling, they realized they still loved each other through differentperiods in life. It took engagement for them to move in with each other, andample time between then and marriage to make sure cohabitating worked. Therewas no need to rush into anything because being together was more than enough. Theirmodel was something we can all learn from, and I feel honored to even beassociated with this amazing couple.

So from the past 5 day’s events, I’ve had my eyes opened.And I’m proud to announce I’m back on the market. Through KC2 I was shown ata crucial time in my life that there are people out there worth dedicating yourlife to, you just have to look in the right places. And sometimes, it takes along time to decipher the map of your life to find which places hold troubleand which hold treasure. KC2 have shown me that there is such thing as a reallife fairytale. It may not involve magic carpets, glass slippers or tiaras, butwhat they have is so real and so beautiful that anyone could be happy for therest of their lives if they could hold on to the feeling they share today. They’veset the bar high, but there’s no need to lower it; this isn’t limbo, it’s life.Nothing good has ever come easy, and I love a good challenge.

I find it very ironic that it took two separate goodbyeparties to make me finally realize that there's hope to eventually find what it is that I truly want to come home to every night. I learned it’s in the situations you'd least expect, where you can find thegreatest impact on your life. So let’s all keep our fingers crossed that this timearound, when I let the chips fall as they may, may they line up in a pretty arrow, pointing me to the pretty girl across the table with blue eyes and hair as dark as the wine that we drink. And with any luck, the next card I pull will be an Ace of Hearts, with my name on it.

WJNTY - Seth
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She Looked Great on Paper

2012-01-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

I’m feeling more and more lately like I’ve turned a corner in my life. Maybe grown up a bit, I don’t know. But certain things in the guy/girl interactions that I used to love so much, have now turned into annoyances. Drunk dialing, falling asleep on the phone with another person, playing games to seduce a girl, laughing with hammered girls, even casual sex. It’s not that I see them as bad things now, just not something I want in the beginning of my next relationship. Am I getting old? If I had said these things a year and a half ago, I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world. So what has changed?

Well, I don’t know. But I think there comes a time in everyone’s life where they realize the things that used to make them happy, used to make them laugh, have turned into the things that annoy them. I find this happening in relationships all the time:

Girls will love the fact that a guy is so independent. But when the guy won’t allow the girl to move in with him, she’ll begin to blame him for not being able to commit or complain about his reluctance to take the next step.

You love the fact that he can control the room when he walks in. He exudes confidence and everyone wants to be around him. But over time his confidence and control start to worry you that other women might be trying to sleep with him.

He’s the most honest person you know. And that was your favorite trait about him, but lately you feel like he’s been telling you too much, and it makes you uncomfortable.

He’s a writer and touches many people with his articles about dating and personal experiences. You love that he can take a thought or a story and make it look so beautiful on paper. This is great until he keeps writing about personal experiences while you are dating him. You start to become self-conscious and more careful in the way you act around him, and begin to assume everything he writes is about you in some sort of way. Every time you read his writing now, you become hurt in some way. It is now a turn-off.

I do the same thing. I’ll choose to date a party girl and then get mad at her months later when she’s throwing up again at four in the morning outside of the bar. Or I’ll date an intellectual and be annoyed five months down the road that she never wants to go out and grab a drink with friends. Why can’t we just be happy with what we choose?

Well, most of the time, we don’t choose what we truly want. We’re blinded by the surface of something exciting, or different. We like the idea of a person, better than the actual person. We’re enticed by how they look on paper, but we never take the time to read the fine print. We become comfortable with their resume, but never worry about the interview process or background checks. Quite often, we don’t even know what we want. We tell ourselves that we know, but then chase after something completely different. We do this to ourselves.

You have to know what you want. Truly know. And then chase after that type of person. If you love the guy because he has an insane body, you’re not allowed to be annoyed when he spends his free time in the gym. Because what you really want is a guy who has a good body, but spends his time on other things as well. You chose wrong. It’s not his fault. He was always the same guy.

You might like a guy because he is so career driven, but then not understand when he tells you months down the road he’s never interested in having a family. He’s not a bad person for this, nor did he ever lead you astray or waste your time. You wasted your time, you chose wrong.

Everyone changes (this is something you need to remember), but not over a matter of a couple of months. I could understand if four years down the road suddenly your partner decides to pull a Mark Wahlberg, ditch the funky bunch and become a born-again Christian out of the blue. That would be their fault, not necessarily yours. But most of the issues in relationships, and the reason many don’t make it past six months or a year is because you chose the wrong person for what you wanted. And then you held on too long thinking they are going to change into that person you really desired.

Yes, it is up to them to be clear on their intentions. But unfortunately not everyone does that. They should, but some people are uncomfortable showing their true colors within the first part of dating. So it is up to you to know exactly what you want, and then do your homework. That way, if something really does change down the road, at least you’ll be able to say, “It’s not me, it’s you.”

So back to the change in my life. It’s not that I’m completely turned off by the casual sex or drunk dials, five phone calls a day or hungover girls at one in the afternoon. It’s that I now understand what I truly want. So I’m not going to get into a relationship with a girl who would drop her panties on the first night, and I’m definitely not going to become exclusive with someone who has the need to talk to me 8-20 times a day via phone call, text message, Facebook post, or the occasional email. I’ve decided to give the courtship a little more time, and to make a better educated decision on who the person really is past how they look on paper. This way, six months from now, I won’t be blaming them for something they never did wrong in the first place, I’ll be enjoying them for exactly who they truly are.

WJNTY - Seth

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I Swear to Tell the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth, So Help the Vagina

2012-01-16T12:27:00.002-05:00

We’ve been blogging at WJNTY every single Monday since sometime back in 2009. We’ve grown, expanded even. We have podcasts, YouTube videos, a book about to be released and twice as many blogs as before. We have the Monday blog, which I (Daryl) do, and the Thursday blog, which is Seth’s blog day. I love coming up with the new blog topics each week, and sometimes, if I’m lucky, my real life presents the topics for me. Todays blog is from way back in the day, in the very beginning of WJNTY, and although most times I’d like to completely rework them, I usually won’t. I realize that some of my old blogs are actually my favorites mostly for the fact that you can look back and clearly see the progression of it all. So here is an old gem for you.

Here’s the question, “Why Would I WANT To Meet Your Mother?!”

Here’s the thing, of course dating often leads to meeting Mothers, but I’d found the loop hole to avoiding that awful ordeal… the secret cheat code in dating land which kept me from ever having to meet them.

You may be thinking, “Why wouldn’t you want to meet her Mother?”

Um, I ask you again,

“Why Would I WANT to Meet her Mother?!”

So, I’ve been dating a bit. Yes, that’s right, the author of WJNTY does go on dates! In the middle of writing, re-writing and blogging, I guess I’d grown a bit sick of my old keyboard. I needed a change of scenery. So I started dating again. This week’s blog is about how simple dating really is. How little work it actually takes when you’re ready for it, and why, if it seems difficult to you, it’s probably your own fault. Dating is easy, finding love is even easier, and so is making it last.

I feel like the very first guy who figured out how to beat Contra’s last level on Nintendo. First blow into the game cartridge and then use the cheat code. See, once you learn all the tricks it’s very easy. The up-up-down-down cheat code is all you really need. If you still can’t win that game with unlimited lives, then you probably just suck at video games, sorry yo.

I have a dating cheat code that I’ll share with you in just a bit. Dating can be very tricky and we could all use a secret code to help us get to that next level. I needed it too! I hadn’t had a girlfriend in almost two years, so I’ll be the first one to admit that yeah, I was a bit rusty. Two years ago, the girlfriend I had told me,

“If you don’t get me a ring by Christmas, I’m leaving you.”

It was August at this point. I thought about it for a few days and told her that I didn’t really see that happening.

Well… she left.

I decided right then and there that I wouldn’t get serious with anybody else for a very long time, until I was ready. I felt bad that she felt so let down, and so for over two years I kept that promise to myself. I didn’t want to have a girlfriend or a wife, and I didn’t want to be a boyfriend or a husband. Most of all, I didn’t want to pretend to like things, that I didn’t really care about.

So I played the super single guy and just like a moth to a flame, the crazy girls came out of hiding. I dodged them the best I could.

I wasn’t interested and I was way over acting fake for anybody. I was done pretending to be flattered by silly girls. Was I supposed to be impressed because they had a push up bra and boobs? Wow, great! As they danced around half naked with the other drunken girls, I simply yawned. As far as I was concerned they were sloppy girls who tasted like Jagger and Marlboro lights, I wasn’t into it.

I waited and I watched, I played witness to my buddies; all of them now stuck paying the heavy fee for having chased after the young, sort of pretty, tight bodied, eye liner obsessed (Clinique High Impact Mascara is all you need ladies), team Edward cheering, Facebook stalking, push–up bra buying, immature hateful little hussies.

Phew, that felt good to get that out!

I tell ya nothing but trouble they were! Yes, Ray LaMontagne I agree with you, it was all trouble! Their relationship problems were always the same. The guys were trying to take these girls, who were way too young and more concerned with playing dress up, and tried to make them into real life Queens.

Good luck with that one! That’s like trying to get Lady Gaga to show us her penis, come on just a tiny little peek? Well the thing is, sometimes that pretty, pretty, princess still has some major growing up to do. And other times she has lots and lots of growing up left to do. You’ve heard that old saying, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife?” Well you also can’t turn a princess into a queen. That shit has to happen naturally on its own, over years and years.

When you glanced around the room the confusing part was that they all looked like grown women! They dressed like grown women and danced like grown women! But if you looked a bit closer, if you stared deep beneath their orange self-tanner hue, into their smokey eyes, you’d see that many of them were still 16 inside their silly heads. What I’d realized from watching my friends with these messy girls was that all these scallywags were fucking brilliant! See, they knew not to take it too seriously with the boys, they also knew that in the course of this MTV drama styled life, if they were hot, that was more then enough! There was no need to worry about much actually, because boys would do almost anything for the chance to play Doctor with them.

“But wait, what if I have two boys that both want to play Doctor with me?”

“Will they fight for me?”

Easy Bella,

The thing was it didn’t really matter how hard we tried to make these young girls to snap back to reality, because their world of L.C., vampires, and Sarah Jessica Parker kept getting them high on love and ego!

Well, like I’d said before, I stayed out of it. I gave up on silly girls, no more for me; I cashed in all my chips, and swore that I’d never play another hand until I was really ready, for real this time. I of course had some slip ups here and there, but I didn’t let myself get even close to having a girlfriend the entire time! I was done. I even gave up sex… gasp.

Remember how I said I was going to tell my cheat code? Ok so this is what I figured out, you may realize right away that this is not some new revelation, but to me, it was so very simple. You want to know how to make a relationship work?

Pick somebody cool. Not could be cool, not sometimes cool, and not most of the time cool. Pick someone that is cool.

I told you it wasn’t amazing news, but it is that easy. All relationships have two time bombs that can go ka-boom at any minute, one is intentions and the other is compromise. If you can be honest about your intentions and never compromise you will be happy.

Intentions are simple. What the fuck do you want? Not what do you think you may want or what would be nice. Plain and simple, what the fuck do you want? If it’s marriage, then say that. If it’s just for some sex, then say that. But the second that you’re not honest about your true intentions, it’s all headed to being over!

I put it to the test. For two whole years I gave up the ability to bullshit and sweet talk girls. I just stopped. I refused to let it go any further then even holding hands without first telling them my true intentions.

A. I don’t want a girlfriend, and as sweet and as pretty as you are, I promise you that you will never be my girlfriend, and I won’t fall in love with you.

B. I’m not a liar so I refuse to pretend for you, even just to make you feel better. Look, you’ve been led on by boys your whole life, I promise to shoot you straight even if it stings a bit.

C. Take it or leave it, this is me.

Well, although it wasn’t very pretty, it was completely honest. I’ll tell you what happened in just a second, but first I want to tell you about that other time bomb, “Compromises.” Compromises will kill your relationship every time. You know what they call people who compromise?

Divorced

Look, you know yourself better than anyone else does; you know what’s cool for you, and what’s not. You can’t bend so much that you become some altered version of yourself. When that happens you’ll begin to hate yourself for bending in the first place. What’s wrong with being picky? What’s wrong with having standards? What’s wrong with wanting to be happy? When did being honest become… wrong?

My buddies were fucking idiots. They were sweet talking girls into bed and then spending years fighting with them after that. On again, off again, on again. The fights all boiled down to the same problem, the girls were constantly being disappointed whenever the boys showed glimpses of their true colors, true colors that were always there, just hidden under the polo shirts and scent of Drakkar. Not me though, because I found the secret code. It was all very simple.

Just be honest.

Sure there were girls that wanted nothing to do with me, especially once I stated my house rules. That was all right though, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone, and I especially didn’t want to waste anybody’s time. Of course I had more than a few girls over those two years that told me I was the most honest guy they’d ever met. They would thank me for being up front with them, and not leading them on. Guess what else? No break ups, no fighting, no games, and no stress.

Was it perfect? Well for me at the time, yeah it was. Though I’m sure that a few of those girls thought they could maybe change me, or thought that I was the ultimate challenge. Most of them seemed to realize that I was actually just a really great guy, who refused to bullshit them.

Fast forward to now.

I’ve learned what I want and don’t want from a relationship, and what I will, and won’t accept in a woman. I decided that I wouldn’t get into a new relationship until I found a girl who was cool with that. Well… I’ve been dating now, like I said earlier, and it’s never been easier, happier, or healthier.

I’ll save the fun details for another blog but I’ll leave you with this.

You’ve got two choices… you can find someone who thinks you’re “cool” or someone who’s “cool” with you.

Guess which one will last?

WJNTY - Daryl
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Your Heart’s Writing Checks Your Brain Can’t Cash

2012-01-12T11:08:00.001-05:00

It doesn’t matter how much I date, how often I give advice, how long I stay in a relationship, or how many articles I write, I’ll never truly understand the heart. With everything we know about the human genome, the way our brain works, the synapses that send electrical pulses to control our bodily functions, how to cure countless diseases that affect the way we live, we still cannot understand our heart. Not the physical, blood pumping, left ventricular clogging, red blood cell creating heart (we understand that), but rather the heart that controls our emotions. The heart that lands on greeting cards everywhere, and dominates hundreds of sayings and speeches. This idea that one of our central life giving organs has become the international symbol for love is something I will never understand. Heartbreak? Heart throbbing? Heartless? Heartfelt thoughts? When you really think about it, it doesn’t make any sense.

The heart runs shit though, and it’s amazing to watch all logic and clear thinking go straight out the window when the heart gets involved. We will follow our heart so far into something our mind is telling us not to get involved with. They are two very different organs, the heart and the brain, but yet any of these “heartfelt thoughts” that we feel come straight from our brain. The heart doesn’t think, it beats. What we feel when we follow our heart is a function of our mind. So when someone says to you, “Don’t think, just follow your heart.” What they’re really saying is: turn off your straight thinking, analytical mind, and use the part of your brain that is missing logic and accountability, but loves taking chances and listening to poetry.

So then, what is this heart thing anyway? Well, it’s a figment of our imaginations. It’s a feeling that we cannot describe, understand or pinpoint, so we create the idea of an intelligent heart that will lead us in the right direction. And I believe that this figment is by far the most confusing part of dating and relationships that we will ever deal with.

Love is synonymous with the heart. If someone you love doesn’t love you, you become heart broken. If you truly want to be with someone, your heart is his’ or her’s. If you really miss your love, your heart will be longing for them. Love is also just as intangible and confusing as this idea of a “heart.” But if our “heart” is just a function of our mind, why can’t we think clearly when love is involved?

I was lounging around with one of my friends this past weekend. She’s kinda in a messy situation, one that I’m not necessarily sure she wanted me to find out about, but she was about as easy to read as our soon-to-hit-the-shelves book. We didn’t get too deep into her exact situation, I did not need to know what kind of problems she was having with her boyfriend, to me it didn’t matter. The fact was that there were problems.

Financial problems, family problems, sexual problems, drinking problems, other men problems, work problems, living situation problems, they are all just problems.

Although they were her personal problems, in the grand scheme of things, they’re no different than the next couple’s problems. I asked her to try and step out of her current position and to take a birds eye view of the relationship. From up there, things look a little bit clearer. When you’re eye to eye, on ground level with your relationship issues, your heart is doing the thinking for you. You don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. You don’t know what’s really best for you, and you can’t formulate a concise plan to change anything. You feel stuck or trapped in your own heart. It’s awful to be in a messy relationship, even if it’s only a little messy. Many times you don’t even realize that there’s anything wrong because you’ve been pushing all the little issues to the side, ignoring them like they’ll just disappear. They won’t disappear; they’ll build and build in the background like a storm, until it finally gains enough momentum and hits the land with enough steam to destroy everything. I like to call it Hurricane Baggage. Ignore the issues long enough and you might have a category five on your hands.

My friend was following her heart. She loved him, with all her heart, and couldn’t picture a life without him. At least that’s what she kept telling me, over and over. The problem was, she was telling me this while lounging around the morning after spending the night with me...

I was the scapegoat, the break from the monotony, the illusion of something not necessarily better, but different, the unknowing pawn in a dangerous game of her heart.

Her heart would not let her mind see the real problem though. The problem wasn’t infidelity;

The problem was something in her relationship, which lead her to that point where she was ok with the infidelity.

She had been avoiding all the little issues for so long that it felt more comfortable to throw everything away and lay with another man rather than try and patch up every tiny hole in her own situation.

Following your heart is romantic, but not practical, and if you want true, long lasting, healthy love, at some point you need to be practical. But following only your mind is practical without being romantic. If you want passionate, take your breath away, body tingling love, at some point you need to be romantic. In the end, it’s not about an either/or situation, because when you meet the right person, your heart and mind should be telling you the same thing.

WJNTY - SETH

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Crazy Carrie in the Closet.

2012-01-09T05:22:00.004-05:00

Have you ever had your own relationship fall apart because your best friend’s was? Well, I have, and it was a good lesson in friendships, naps and misperceptions.

I had this friend who was going through a rough patch, his life was good but his relationship with his girl, not so much, ever been there before? Me too!

So here’s the back story: His longtime girlfriend (who’d begged him for a ring and of course got it) all of the sudden decided that she hadn’t “lived” her life enough yet, and so she set out to collect some exciting stories that she could NEVER tell to her grand-kids.

So off to Jamaica she went. No, her name was not Stella.

Well, apparently one drink led to another, which then led to sex with some dude on a beach. We didn’t find this out right away though. All we knew at the time was that her and her pretty ring ran off to Jamaica, without him, to “find” herself and do some seriously fuc... um thinking.

So now you know his back-story.

My story was that I was living in a church (way longer story) with my girlfriend at the time, whose name was Carrie. She and I were doing well and had a pretty good relationship going at the time. Well, at least I thought that we did.

I mean yes we were living together in sin, in a church, which makes it a tiny bit worse probably... and we weren't even a little close to getting married, but I wouldn’t say that we had the whole deck stacked against us? I mean after all, I was taking care of the church, so you’d think I’d get a free pass of some sort for doing that, right?

It’s a reminder though that sometimes even if you didn’t do anything wrong, you still can be found guilty by the crazy girlfriend court.

So my friend Mike was really in need of a buddy to lean on during this time. He really got the bad end of the whole deal. He didn't get to go have sex in Jamaica. He’d also been away from the dating scene for so long now that he didn’t know where to even start.

Of course I had a girlfriend, but I guess he saw me as the most logical choice to play wingman for him in this dark time. Hey that's what friends are for.

I started him off real slow. "We" still didn’t know for sure if she’d cheated on him or not, (I did, but he wouldn’t listen to me) still I didn’t want him to go out and do anything crazy like end up with a baby, or even worse another shitty girlfriend! So in order to prepare him for the scary bar scene again, we first had to train. We began to go to this ping-pong place every day after work. We’d play a few games, bitch about our girlfriends and drink a little beer. Baby steps. Usually at least once every game we’d try and figure out what really happened down there in Jamaica... in her pants.

-scene at our ping-pong table in the corner-

Mike: Do you think that she fucked someone down there?

Me: Yes.

Mike: I don’t think that she would do that...

Me: Well, she did.

Mike: Do you think she’ll ever come back to me?

Me: What? Are you fuckin...

Mike: Your serve... but do you REALLY think that she had sex, I mean really?

Me: Dude…

-repeat this scene everyday for two months-

So one day I get this call from him and he says to meet him at the place we play. I walk over there to the ping-pong club and he’s standing with two of the sketchiest, scallywag looking girls that I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Like a Snooki, J-woww clone, except add in a midwest beer gut and much cheaper extensions.

Remember, this was a few years before that whore-shore was ever put on the map. Still, their makeup was all over the place, boobs were popping out, roots showing, and awful heels in animal print. I mean really? Who the fuck plays ping-pong in heels? I half expected him to hit me up for some cash. But instead he leaned in and whispered,

Mike: Hey, is Carrie home?

Me: No, but I just had the furniture cleaned.

Mike: Come on, let’s take these girls over there, hang out, and have a drink.

Me: It’s Tuesday and I live in a fucking church, plus what if it starts on fire when they walk in?

Mike: Please man… I need this.

Me: Shit.

So we walked over to my place. How did I get myself into this mess? I was trying to be a good friend, that's how. Besides Carrie was at work till five, so as long as I had these scallywags out of there by four, I figured we'd be fine. Once in the house I made everyone a drink and we all sat down in the living room. Within a couple minutes time he was already kissing on skank#2. This was not in the handbook! I felt like I was back at some basement high school party, OMG did he just tongue kiss her? While this was happening skank#1 moved in closer, now she was sitting right next to me… they were like valasoraptor's!

Skank #1: Hi

Me: Hey

Skank #1: You’re cute!

Me: I don’t carry cash...

Skank#1: You’re funny (And then she leaned in, I think to give me the Clap!)

Me: Ok, Mike I got shit to do buddy, sorry guys, I need to get some stuff done.

Skank#1: OMG, ha ha, you’re so scared of me, I not going to try and Fuck you silly!

Me: No, I know that, it's just I need to…

Skank#1: Oh, what, you don’t want to fuck me?

Me: Mike, really!?

Skank#1: I bet you wouldn’t turn down a blowjob though; I’m great at them!
Skank#2: It's true she is...

Now you see why I didn’t even give these girls proper names for this story? You thought that "skank" was a little harsh, didn't you? These girls were so gross, I was actually beginning to worry that Mike was catching the herp right there as he sat tongue kissing skank#2, and now I was getting even more pissed off because I knew that I would have to get my couches cleaned... again!!!

You may be wondering why I didn’t just tell her that I had a girlfriend, right? Well, one, she didn’t strike me as the type of girl who would care, and two, I was still trying to play my part for my down in the dumps, heartbroken, might now have the herpes, didn't get to have any sex down in Jamaica, best buddy.

Finally, I couldn’t take it any more so out the door the hoes went. Game over! As I shut the door on the three of them, I heard a voice scream out,

“YOU ASSHOLE!!!”

What the hell?

It was Carrie.

Carrie: I was in the closet the whole time, I heard everything! You’re such an assho…

Me: Wait, what the fuck were you doing in the closet?

Carrie: I heard you coming in with some girls so I jumped in the hall closet, I wanted to see what the hell you were doing!

Me: What? What does that even mean? What did you think I would do?

Here’s the crazy part, the dirty girls and Mike were over at my place for at least an hour if not longer. I asked her how long she planned to stay in there and she told me that she'd actually fallen asleep! Over an hour in the hall coat closet!

Crazy Carrie in the Closet.

Well, even though I didn’t technically do anything wrong, she was super paranoid after that whole closet deal happened, but so was I! I started looking under the bed, in the drawers, under the sink… wherever I thought she could be lurking.

Our relationship soon fell apart just a short time after that. She actually cheated on me, which is another great story for a different day. Mike did not get the herpes thank goodness, and soon after that he got back with his girl, just long enough to marry her and then divorce her when she pulled that bullshit again.

I learned a good lesson from all of it though. If a girl is willing to spend over an hour in a coat closet just to catch you being shady, the relationship is pretty much over from that moment on. Also, never believe an orange girl in heels when she says she wants to play ping-pong with you. She’s lying, and really just wants a chance to tongue kiss you in a church!

WJNTY-Daryl
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I Did It... A Cautionary Tale

2012-01-05T11:22:00.000-05:00

Remember when OJ Simpson wrote a book called I Did it? Well, it got pulled off the shelves of bookstores across the country, two nights before it was to be released. Not that OJ ever did it, but if he did, he was going to explain exactly how it would have gone down. This blog is going to be a bit like that. Except I never killed anyone, or drove a white bronco. So let me preface this one with this…

One: Here at WJNTY, we strive to give our readers the most honest, hard hitting, no bullshit material out there, and cheating, although a very sore subject for many is one that is rarely honestly written about.

B: I’ve never cheated on anyone. And that’s the truth. I just don’t believe in it. I feel that if you really feel the need to become exclusive with one other person, and hold their heart in your hand, you carry with that the responsibility to be faithful to that one person. You wanted, and asked for the relationship, now you should obey the rules and deal with what comes with it. No one forced you into your current situation (unless it was a shotgun wedding).

And Three: I’ve been cheated on 5 times (that I know of)… it sucks. Three of them I took back only to be broken up with down the line anyway. So I have some experience in the town of Cheatsville, population 70% of my exes.

I was talking to Daryl the other day about a particular relationship from my past. He asked if I could have done anything different, what it would have been? “Cheated,” I replied. “I would have cheated on her.” I don’t think it was the answer he was looking for. Now, it wasn’t that she was a bad person, and I don’t believe anyone deserves that kind of treatment in a relationship, however, I think I knew for a long time that the relationship was doomed for disaster. This relationship took place in my prime ass getting years, and therefore, I believe I passed on quite a few great stories because of my genuine good heart. In fact, at one point during this relationship, I had to run out of the house of a girl undressing herself, and I turned down a threesome as well. Those decisions were simple at the time. I was in a relationship, what other choice did I have? But if I knew then what I know now, I would have definitely pounced on those opportunities.

I think a lot of people are dumb cheaters though. And contrary to popular belief and everything “they” say, it’s never really about the person they cheated with. But always about the person they cheated on. There has to be something wrong with your relationship, something missing, to look towards infidelity for the cure to unhappiness. People don’t just cheat for the hell of it, and if you were really, truly, 100% happy with your relationship, you wouldn’t cheat. I don’t care how much chemistry you thought you felt with that guy on Spring Break. He wouldn’t even show up as a blip on your screen if there weren’t something else going on behind the scenes.

There are many reasons for cheating, and it will forever be the worst relationship issue most of us will have to deal with. I don’t believe there’s a cure to this plague, so as the Romans say; if you can’t beat them, join them… Here’s a top ten list of stupid things you shouldn’t do while you’re being stupid. Like I said, I've never done it... but if I did, these are the things I would make sure to avoid, so I didn't get caught.

1: Don’t cheat with someone in your social circle

How dumb do you have to be to cheat with your boyfriend’s friend? Do you really think that they will have more allegiance to your vagina than their bro? No, they won’t, and eventually they’ll say something and ruin the entire social circle for everyone involved. You’ll be to blame for breaking up the “crew,” and forever cast out as a slut by the girls and a laughing stock by the guys. The guys will continue being friends after about a 3-month break. You’ll probably lose everything.

2: Don’t cheat on vacation

When you get back, your boyfriend is going to ask how everything was? What was your favorite part? Did you meet anyone cool? Did you have any crazy adventures? Drunken stories? You will have to answer every question with some sort of lie. And that will suck, because now not only are you a cheater, but you’re a liar as well. Now you’re hiding pictures, dragging girlfriends in on elaborate made-up stories and omitting entire nights from your vacation. You better be a great storyteller to get through this one.

3: Don’t cheat when they’re out of town

It would seem like a good idea to put as much distance between your boyfriend and your lover, but you just couldn’t handle that, so you had to go and fuck in your backyard (no pun intended), didn’t you. Well, now you have the great opportunity to run into your lover with your boyfriend at any number of daily errands or social events. Way to put yourself into an awkward position, especially when they hit it off and become friends!

4. Don’t bang your hired help

Pool boy is the classic example. Could be the mailman, gardener, painter, the guy who checks your plumbing, or changes your oil. Whoever it is, if you’re paying them to do a job, there’s no need to throw in a tip too. And remember, every transaction leaves a paper trail. And if you’re living with your guy and he pays the bills, this could be one of the worst situations for a guy ever to be in. He’s basically paying someone to fuck his girl. Awesome.

5. Never put your lover’s name in your phone as a girl’s name

If I ever cheated, the new girl's number would never go in my phone as "Mike," "Bill," or "Trey." Why? Because I would never have a friend named "Trey." We know this trick. And we can tell very easily if it’s a man or woman on the other end of the conversation (text or phone). Oh, and you’re about as good of an actress as Kristin Stewart... "

"I mean he's like a werewolf, and so, he like, doesn't have like, hair... or whatever, on his, muscles... he has muscles, like on his body or like, whatever?"

It’s just a sure fire way to lead to questioning. And you don’t want complicated questions when you’re trying to get out of the house to go bang someone else.

6. Don’t cheat on your boy with a girl

Want to really hurt your boyfriend? Just a quick, “You weren’t good enough so I started hitting it with Jimmy…” isn’t good enough? Try, “You were so bad that I had to start fucking women.” That will really let him know he was a failure in both the relationship and at life. Good luck picking up those pieces.

7. Don’t hook up with anyone who works in the nightlife industry

Everyone knows everyone. Even in a large city. They have no life outside of their bar, or the one they go to on their night off, and for this reason, they love drama. Also, they couldn’t care less about normal people and their normal feelings, because normal people don’t tip very well. They’ll be the first to tell your boy the next time he walks in to order a beer. And they won’t care, because there is a line of girls out the door who will blow them if you wont. And if they don’t tell him, one of the skanky cocktail waitresses will, just out of spite, to get back at you for trying to get into their circle.

8. Don’t cheat with anyone who is addicted to their twitter account

We all saw what happened to Tiger, Weiner, Kobe, Ashton, and Arnold just to mention a few. People like to tweet everything these days. And although most of it is pointless #hashtagging or mundane happenings in their day, every once in awhile, this tweet–aholic, will have something exciting to write about (i.e. a crazy, unplanned, drunken hookup) and next thing you know, you’re trending, #whore.

9. Make sure your cell phone is nowhere near you when you are in the act

I’ve had two of my past girlfriends speed dial their parents while we were doing the no pants dance. Want to talk about an awkward Thanksgiving? Have you ever listened to yourself have sex through a message machine? It’s not a great experience. Now of course this was back in the day of cell phones with buttons and land lines, but still, it seems that your phone sometimes has a mind of its own, and if it’s going to make a call on its own, it will inevitably make that call to the one person who you don’t want to take it. Trust me. That’s a Men’s Warehouse guarantee!

10. Don’t join a dating site with the mindset of cheating

With the exception of Ashley Madison, these dating sites are actually made for people to find love, not be the recipient of your unhappiness. This will only give them one more reason to hate the world of dating. Plus, if your situation is so bad that you have to resort to dating sites to find someone to cheat with, there’s a good chance that your boy is doing it too. How cool would that be if you found each other’s profiles?! Maybe you both like Pina Colada’s? Or like getting caught in the rain?

The only true way to avoid the cheating situation is to cut it off from the beginning. Never even give yourself the chance to have your top off in a hotel room, wondering if you’re doing something wrong. Intentions are the way to go here. Make sure you share your relationship status within the first ten min of conversation. Not like, hinting at the fact that you’re not single, but rather tossing your boyfriend’s name in the conversation. I always tell girls that there are only three ways to go from here: One: He leaves the conversation because he really just wanted to bang you. Two: He’s so confident that it didn’t even register in his head that a boyfriend might stop him from being able to bang you. And three: He’s gay and couldn’t care less that you have a boyfriend, because he’s disgusted by the idea of banging you. You’ll be able to tell fairly quickly which situation you’ve found yourself in.

People always try to define cheating. It’s a tough one. But I say cheating is: Anything you do with another person, that you would not be comfortable doing if your significant other was in the same room.

This changes with every relationship, and every different level of open communication. Just think about that definition next time you’re wondering if you are cheating or not…

So the point of all of this, is that there’s not really a good situation to be cheating in. If you can’t do it on vacation, or with hired help, with anyone who has a cell phone or a job, then whom can you do it with? Well the answer is no one. In a survey that I never started, I found out that 85% of people, who cheat, get caught. Now that’s a pretty high percentage for a completely made up statistic! And I would hedge a huge bet that the intoxicating feeling of cheating, doesn’t even compare to the horrible feeling of being caught. So when it really comes down to it, it’s just not worth it. Which is why I did NOT do it!

WJNTY – Seth
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Author's note: If you think I'm talking about you in this blog, I'm not... I'm talking about her. She knows who she is.

Ten Reasons Your Bridesmaids Secretly Hate You…

2012-01-02T10:43:00.001-05:00

I’ve never been a bridesmaid, thank God for that. And thank God for the fact that brides can be such a royal pain in the ass to deal with, because when the actual wedding occurs, bridesmaids are so stressed out that even my friends who never, ever, get any action, have a legitimate chance at seeing a naked girl.

As great as that is for my buddies, I still feel I need to intervene. I’m going to tell you the top ten reasons your bridesmaids secretly hate you. This is straight from the horse’s mouth, and you should listen to me because it’s the one day of your life that you can’t do over. Also, you should ask yourself why you’d let your girlfriends who resemble horses sit at the head table? They belong at table nine in the back, the one on the left, not the right, near the children… remember dear, wedding pictures are forever. So in no particular order:

1.Destination weddings are awful.

The only person who truly enjoys destination weddings is the bride. The rest of us just make the best of it. Why would you ever think that anyone would want to be on a vacation with strangers? All you’re really doing is taking up everyone’s precious vacation days to go all the way to a place that’s tropical, just so that I can end up eating chicken or steak anyway. I could have done that in Charlotte and not had to use four days of my vacation for what should have been just a six-hour event. If it’s not on a yacht or in a castle you’re wasting everyone’s time.

2.Shoes, dresses and alterations.

First of all, if your photographer is taking pictures of feet, you really need to Google him for priors. Shoes don’t matter enough to force your girls to spend over a hundred and seventy dollars for a pair that they’ll never wear again. Jessica Simpson’s line is beautiful, affordable and wearable. Pick out shoes that someone will actually want to wear again.

Now the dresses are another whole deal all together. Simple rules, although you may think that your wedding is the most important one of all your friend’s lives, it’s not the only one that they’re attending this year. Picking an expensive dress is selfish. The dress should be comfortable; it’s a party, not a gala at the White House. Also, girls are shaped different. Some of your bridesmaids do yoga and some have back fat. If you put a back fat girl in a strapless, I will say it for her… you’re a bitch. Think about it before you go with the sea foam and dress your friends up like mermaids. Now as far as alterations go, why do brides never remember the last wedding they were in? Getting alterations sucks and is expensive. If you pick an ugly or expensive dress, then you should offer to pay for alterations.

3.You’re getting married on a holiday or a Friday.

This is a huge pain in the ass. 4^th of July, New Years Eve, Thanksgiving weekend? Honestly, how much attention do you need? Your wedding is so special that it trumps America’s birthday? I’m telling you right now that nobody wants to be there on a holiday! Fridays are only slightly better, but still a complete clusterfuck. First, bridesmaids have to take off on Thursday for the rehearsal dinner, and then again on Friday for the wedding. It’s two days off of work for your one day wedding? Do the math. Don’t inconvenience your friends who are doing you the huge favor of standing up. Weekend weddings are way less stressful for people with real jobs!

It may seem easy to take off work, but remember, you’re the actual bride, groups of girls all get married around the same time, so your bridesmaids may end up having several different weddings to attend in the same year; it’s not easy to get off work the fifth or sixth time, be considerate of this.

4.Cash bars are tacky.

If you really can’t afford to pay for the liquor at your reception then you should just do kegs. Seriously. Having kegs of beer is less tacky than charging your fucking guests. No matter how much planning goes into it, I promise you that your reception is just like everyone else’s… fun with alcohol, amazing with free alcohol! Don’t skimp on the liquor… ever.

5.Hair, make-up, nails and tanning.

I understand wanting your wedding to be exactly the way that you’ve dreamed it up since you were five-years-old but if you’re not offering to pay for their hair and make-up, where do you get off demanding anything?

Someone explain to me please, why do brides suddenly turn into the mothers of Georgia pageant girls when it’s time for their own weddings?

“We need to all be the same color orange, of course, and your nails should look like this, your make-up like that, and your hair like however the fuck I tell YOU TO BECAUSE I’M YOUR MOTHER, NOW GET YOUR LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD BONEY ASS OUT THERE ON THAT STAGE RIGHT NOW AND WIN US THAT GOD DAMN TROPHY AND CHICK-FIL-A GIFT CARD!!!!”

6.Your wedding is at noon and the reception is at seven?

Thanks, we really didn’t have anything to do today anyway. Bridesmaids love having just enough time to not go home, plus sitting at a fucking Applebee’s with an Updo is always great! Do you really think that hanging out in dresses and heels for six hours is enjoyable for anyone? Has it ever been?

7.Bridesmaids are only single in the movies.

You should be accommodating to other people’s relationships. Nothing is worse for a guy than having his girlfriend be in the wedding and him not being able to go along with. He’s stuck staring at a Google map trying to find the church while she’s in the limo texting him to bring her deodorant. He sits alone at the church, while she takes pictures with your husband’s cousin Tony from Jersey. She has to sit at the head table while her boyfriend gets to go sit with the other singles at table twelve, but hey, at least it’s the table nearest the desserts! This is not cool. You need to plan arrangements for the wedding parties’ other people.

8. The weeklong wedding.

Two weeks vacation doesn’t mean that a week of it gets donated to your wedding. You’re marrying the rich dude, not your bridesmaids. She has to be in town on Wednesday to get settled in, Thursday is nails and last minute errands, Friday is spray tanning and rehearsal dinner, Saturday is the wedding, and Sunday is brunch. You need to realize that people have lives. They have other things to do besides hold your hand while you play Princess Barbie for the week.

9.Who is paying for all this?

Not the wedding, but all the other stuff! The bachelorette party is out of town for two nights, the engagement party is on a Wednesday afternoon, the bridal shower is at a sit down fancy restaurant, and the dress fitting is three hours away! Not to mention all the gifts that are expected to accompany all of this bullshit! It’s fucking insane! Your girlfriends are broke and you know this, yet you still expect them to get a second job (because that’s what it takes) to bankroll the eight months of activities leading up to your wedding day? This is what the C-word was invented for.

10.Weddings are depressing for bridesmaids.

Remember how you felt during the last five that you were in? You were happy for your girl for about thirty minutes at the church, sad during the dinner realizing that your current boyfriend is a dickhead and was probably never going to ask you to marry him, and then you got hammered for the rest of the evening, before waking up and hating yourself in the morning for hooking up with Tony from Jersey, gross.

Weddings are mostly lots of work, unless you’re a guy. So think about what you liked and didn’t like from the weddings that you’ve been a part of, and make your own wedding a day to enjoy for all.

WJNTY-Daryl

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Have the Hap, Hap, Happiest Christmas!

2011-12-26T12:53:00.000-05:00

So, I’m a bit of a Scrooge. At least that’s what some of my friends think. This isn’t necessarily the case. However, over the past 5 years, I’ve kinda disappeared and spent the holiday alone in a new location each season. You see, it’s usually the only extended period of time that I get off each year, and I liked to use that opportunity to explore new territory, see and try new things. I’ve spent Christmas in Miami, New Zealand, Mexico, Switzerland and the Bahamas. I’ve met some of the most amazing people in my life on these solo holiday trips, and created some of the most unique stories I have to date. But this year, for the first time in a long time, and after my family said please, I decided to come on home for Christmas. I’m proud to say, I’m still terrible at wrapping presents, but I had one of the best holidays in a very long time. The same old Christmas parties I used to go to as a kid, snow on Christmas morning, great food and quality time with my parents, siblings and nieces, all made for a wonderful trip.

Even though the idea of Christmas spirit and what it means to people has changed over the years, I believe I saw more of that spirit this year than I had in a long time. Bieber finally put out a Christmas album, LED bulbs have officially taken over the old school hit-or-miss strands, Santa got an iPhone 4S with siri to help make deliveries, more people than ever got injured on Black Friday trying to get the best deal on a toy for their kid, and I got to catch up on all the Christmas films I haven’t seen in years.

I learned to tell someone I loved them from Love Actually, even if it was your housekeeper, best friend’s wife, employee, classmate or one-night foursome. From The Stone I learned that even if your family hates Carrie Bradshaw, they’ll learn to love her once she starts dating your younger brother. I learned that Olive, the other reindeer is a bully. I mean, why do you always have to laugh at and call Rudolph names, Olive? I learned that yellow cars wont stop for you, even if you dress like an Elf and truly are from the North Pole. That if you lose a hundred pounds and become a record executive, she’ll still see you as “just friends,” and that sometimes, being green, taking away all the lights, presents, trees and food can’t even break the Christmas sprit. But the most important lesson I learned while curled up on the couch, drinking hot apple cider with rum this holiday season, was that Clark W. Griswold is my idol.

D and I, along with a few very close friends watched Christmas Vacation this year as our choice comedy of the season. But as I watched and laughed, I really started to understand the underlying message: the struggle of a husband, father, son, employee and neighbor. Clark spends the entire movie trying his hardest to make sure everyone in his family has the “Old Fashioned” Christmas they’ve always dreamed of. He opens up his home to anyone who wishes to come in, works his ass off to make sure everyone has the best presents, and he lights up the entire neighborhood so no one else has to worry about spending their hard earned time or money putting up lights of their own.

He does all of this selflessly. With no thought of his own happiness or well being in mind. The one, and only, time he gets upset, it’s only over a situation that will affect the overall happiness and joy of his family; the bonus he’s entitled to and has worked so hard to receive.

It makes me wonder, are there men out there today who have the ability to be as good a man as Clark Griswold? Clark wasn’t interested in going out with his friends for drinks on Christmas Eve, nor was he concerned with watching the football game after dinner. He wasn’t upset when he didn’t receive the latest technological gadget, nor did he buy his kid a present like say a PS3 that was really more for himself than his daughter. And even though the in-laws (and their pets) caused so much turmoil, he still invited them all back in the spring for the groundbreaking of the pool.

He cried while watching old family videos of his kids, changed the outlook of his boss and even had time to read to his family on Christmas Eve.

Clark W. Griswold is a man. Not a boy who’s interested in checking his fantasy football scores during dinner or gets drunk and embarrasses you in front of your colleagues at the Holiday party. He’s a man to look up to, a good role model for his children and a husband that will always fight for his marriage, because just picking up and leaving couldn’t possibly be an option.

Do you have a Sparky? Or are you still just running around with a boy? Have you been waiting holiday season after holiday season for your boy to turn into a man? Or do you have one who is willing to place his life on the line so you can be happy during the holidays? Which one would you rather bring around your family the next holiday season?

WJNTY - Seth

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The Pretty, Tiny, Blonde Girlfriend Factory...

2011-12-19T11:48:00.000-05:00

What was wrong with her? She was so pretty!

Yes, she was very pretty, and she was a “nice” girl.

So what.

People say I’m too picky.

“You shouldn’t be so picky!” They say.

I don’t understand what this means?

Another question that I often get is, “What is your type?” As if women come in music genres, or are displayed like pies at a bakery, “I’ll take that one please!” I only wish it were that simple. I don’t really have a “type” not in the same sense that they mean it anyway, though if you were to ask my parents they would have you believe that all of my past girlfriends have come out of the same factory; the pretty, tiny, blonde girlfriend factory, somewhere down in Florida… Orlando maybe?

While it’s true that most of them have been blonde haired, that’s merely a pleasing feature to my eyes, much in the same way that over the years now, they’ve had four German shepherds. One will grow old and die, and within a week’s time, a new beautiful German shepherd is there to fill its seat. So, I do the same thing with blondes… I guess.

Believe me they’ve all been “nice” girls. For me that wasn’t enough though. There are amazing women out there; I know it, and if I‘m being honest with myself (and with you) I’ve met a few women who I would be willing to marry in a heartbeat.

Yet, I’m still single?

Yes.

Not because I can’t find a good girlfriend though. I’ve had lots of girlfriends; I’ve never had any trouble with that. It’s not because I want to play the field either; I find the whole causal thing to be quite boring actually. I’m single because I still haven’t found “her” yet.

Believe me though, I’m looking. I’m always looking.

The truth is for me, I can tell within an hour or so, if I would marry someone, or not.

How is that even possible, right?

It’s only possible because I know EXACTLY who I am. When you have that sort of information, things become crystal clear, sort of like the Matrix. I know what will work for me, and what never will. Of course I haven’t figured it all out yet. Sometimes I get tricked. Even I get stuck in the chic-sand from time to time. Sometimes they’re really sneaky!

“You sneaky girlfriend!”

So then, what about the ones I would be willing to marry in a heartbeat?

Well that happens. I just met a girl this last week that I would marry in a heartbeat.

Her name is Sarah.

She is an amazing woman. She has what so many women are lacking these days.

Character.

If Sarah says she will do something, she does it. Sarah doesn’t talk bad about other people, she doesn’t pretend to be too busy, so as to seem like more of a challenge. If Sarah says she’s going to call you, your phone rings. She is honest. She believes in love, but isn’t afraid to be alone. If you ask her a question, she thinks about it before she even speaks. She listens when I talk, and doesn’t stare at her phone the whole time. She loves bourbon over ice, but doesn’t blame it for her choices. She doesn’t obsess over her looks or about her exes. She says thank you. She thinks Facebook is sad, and would rather read a book, or be outside. She is generous. She has true friends and understands that being a good friend is about doing for the other person. She doesn’t take the little things for granted. She doesn’t expect to be taken care of either. When she asks about my day she means it. She volunteers, she gardens, she even finds time to bake me bananna bread.

Sarah is my next-door neighbor, and she is ninety years old.

If I could find a girl who had even a tenth of her character, I’d marry her right on the spot.

But I haven’t yet, and so I’ll stay single until I do, because for me, having anything less than that, just isn't worth it.

WJNTY-Daryl

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Fashion Sensibility

2011-12-12T14:27:00.000-05:00

This past spring and summer, I wrote two fashion articles called Fashion Sense and Fashion Sensitivity, the former about fashions guys hated and the latter about fashions we love. They both received great press (some good, mostly bad) and they kick started my now illustrious fashion career starting with a simple phone call from Mr. Versace himself (yes, I realize he’s dead. It was a call from above…) calling me the modern day Mugatu with better hair. So this fall, the calls came flooding into write a fall/winter version of the piece. So without further delay, here are 8 great rules to follow this winter season…

-Don’t Wear Sweatpants

You shouldn’t wear sweatpants lounging around the house. It’s sloppy. Katy Perry doesn’t wear sweatpants while lounging around her mansion. Never. That’s just one of the great things that keep her and superhunk, Aldous Snow, together. Katy Perry’s awesome, and she’s good at staying in a relationship. Now, don’t look at the sweatpants as the real problem, look behind the sweatpants. What do you see? That’s right, it’s Katy Perry’s… will, to never get complacent & lose the original things that made the relationship great. She wants to always impress her hubby, and you should always want to impress your man. Do you think the un-showered, oversize t-shirt, baggy sweatpants wearing version of you turns him on? You’re supposed to be making him think of fireworks, not clipping coupons. Class it up a little, at least let him see your curves, and remind him why he still gets turned on by you. It’s rumored that Brad left Jen because of too many Sunday morning sweatpants parties…

-Rainboots are Awesome

These are the cutest things on little boys and girls. Running around, splashing around in puddles and laughing. Sometimes rain sucks, but have you ever not gotten enjoyment from splashing around in puddles? So now they make these in big girl sizes, in way cool designs and even in cowboy boot shapes! They’ve got the 3 F’s of fashion: Functional, flashy, and… um… fashionable. Pick yourself up a few pairs for the grueling winter and show off without ruining your Uggs. Speaking of Uggs, if you are a guy and not an Australian surfer or author of WJNTY, I don’t care if they feel like a bunch of rabbits fighting to keep your toes warm, these are not meant for you.

-Choose Your Headgear Wisely

This one’s very important. It’s not everyday of the year that you get to throw your hair into pigtails and toss a hat on. But with so many varieties, how do you know which ones to rock, and which ones to shy away from? Well, there’s only 4 types of winter headwear as far as I’m concerned:

The Standard Beanie – Classic and warm. This will get you through most any situation this winter, is more or less acceptable indoors, and you don’t have to spend too much time doing your hair, but still get to have people comment on how good it looks. You can buy one in any color to coordinate with just about any outfit, and all for pretty cheap. Site Note: Seriously southern girl who’s never seen snow before, a toboggan is for sledding down a hill, not something you put on your head. Can someone explain this to me?

Fur on your head – Now, I can understand a well-made fur hat that might have been your grandmothers, but these new, chincy, faux animal fur woodsman’s hats that are all the rage? Please. These are going to be one of the things that we look back 20 years from now and say, “What were we thinking?” It was cool when like 4 kids had those, now that every other college girl is rocking one and sighting warmth as the reason. They are getting as bad as uggs with skirts.

Santa Hats – Only to be warn if you’re not wearing much else. Then these are awesome. Or if you’re on a beach, then it’s acceptable as well.

Ear Muffs – Do you really like your hair that much? These are so impractical. You lose 80% of your body’s heat through your head, not your ears. And your nose gets cold just as fast as your ears, so shouldn’t you have a cover for that too? Just stop trying to be so cool and by a beanie already. Unless you’re trying to bring back the 80’s. And if you are, bring me back Patrick Swayze and leave the muffs. Thanks.

-Your tall, skinny, non-fat, soy, peppermint, mocha latte with whipped cream and two cups… is gross

You’re holding up my order, stop it. Can’t anyone just drink coffee anymore? It’s not, “How do you take your coffee?” Anymore. No, we had to add in flavors, and sprigs, and other machines, and berries, and chocolate and time. I know you like it, but try to simplify your order a little. Especially when it’s cold outside and the lines are wicked long. If you’re trying to pick up a guy in a coffee shop, he’ll be impressed by your simple order, and your pension for drinking your coffee and throwing it away rather than turning your paper Starbucks cup into an accessory. I’m very simple in the coffee shop; after all these years, I still like my coffee like I like my women… Hot.

-Turtlenecks Are Not Even Funny as a Joke

Unless you are wearing this turtleneck with a gold chain and about to pump out yet another youTube sensational hit, please don’t wear these. I guess it’s appropriate under a one-piece ski suit as well, but really, what isn’t. I had a teacher in high school that always wore a turtleneck, even in the summer, and it really creeped me out. What are you trying to hide, you crazy English lit teacher!? These went out of style long ago, no matter what the lady at Burlington coat factory tries to tell you. We need to make a Facebook group, “Save the sexy, get rid of turtlenecks.”

-It’s Ugly Christmas Sweater Season

Best holiday parties ever. Well, they were until this year. Now everyone’s doing them. It’s not cool once everyone figures out what’s going on. I remember two and three years ago when there was a real art to finding a really ugly Christmas sweater. Now you can pick up one at target on the way to the party. So if you’re going to get one this year, search the antique depots and thrift stores near nursing homes. In fact, do some volunteering at a nursing home and snag an original. Then you have a winning sweater and a great story about stealing from old people to go along with it. In fact, if I see a mass-produced ugly sweater at a holiday party this year, I’ll probably spill eggnog on it.

-Your Mittens Don’t Need to Accomplish Two Things

Mittens that are also gloves are stupid, and they don’t really do either job very well. Listen, I’m 28 years old, do you really think you’re going to catch me walking around a park wearing glove-mittens? I don’t think so! If your name isn’t Marv or Harry and you’re not part of the wet bandits you have no practical use for these. They had nail boards and paint cans, tar & feathers and hot stoves to dodge, all while chasing after a heathen of a child. They needed the versatility of a glove-mitten, you don’t. Mittens are always cuter than gloves anyway, I don’t know why, they just are. So hook yourself up with some sweet woven ones for the cold days and keep them stashed in that luggage you carry around with you every day.

-Puffy Jackets WERE All The Rage

I think it’s safe to say that these blobs of warmness have worn out their welcome. I remember back in the day when they became all the rage. I didn’t even know what they were, but my cousin (3 years older) bought me a black and green north face that was at least two sizes too big. I loved it, but the mean kids at my school didn’t, and they figured it was fair game to throw me around like a pinball in the hallway. Once they got board with that, they would just stab at me with pens. It sucks walking across campus in the wind, with a trail of feathers blowing around behind you. You look like a mad Donald Duck. Now, that kind of behavior hasn’t happened in the forthcoming years since they’ve become popular, but leave the puffy stuff to vests and comforters. Get yourself a pea coat or leather jacket to roll around in everyday. You don’t always have to leave the house prepared to climb a mountain.

So this season, while you’re drinking warm apple cider, enjoying snow days, hitting the slopes, or making out with your coworker at a holiday party, just remember, winter’s a time to bundle up and stay warm. Focus on looking cute rather than hot, and mix it up with some clothes you don’t get to wear for the majority of the year. Have fun with it, stick to the rules above and you’ll breeze through the season like the tiny unique snowflake that you’re not…

WJNTY - Seth

The 90’s Taught Me Everything I Know About Love…

2011-12-05T10:58:00.005-05:00

When you look around at the state of relationships these days, it’s easy to see that things are very complicated. Everything, it seems, is more complicated than EVER before. We don’t write letters anymore, we write on walls, we carry around multiple tiny screens with us, and our phones have no wires. We watch other people’s families for entertainment; we watch them get married, go on their vacations, and even get divorced. We watch “Situations” as they happen, and “Snooki’s” as they self-destruct. It was all so much easier before.

But when exactly was “before?”

That’s simple. For me it is anyway. I see the world in two different time periods, before 1996, and after 1996.

That’s when I first learned about love; 1996. Love was everywhere, and having crushes was huge. Would you like to hear my top ten most important lessons I learned about love from the 90’s?

You got it dude!

1. You were only allowed to sleep with ONE friend in your circle. That’s the rule.

Can you imagine it?? Today’s girls have it made. They can sleep with one, two, even three of their guy friends, all from the same circle, and nobody really bats an eye. This wasn’t always the case though. Ross and Rachel are the perfect example of this, even when Rachel tried to date Joey, it didn’t last. Still, she tried to break that rule. Bad idea. I believe it was because of her going for Joey (behind Ross’s back mind you) that kept guys in real life from wanting to date her seriously. There are rules to it, and I’m sorry but if you break them, you end up having to date John Mayer. Elaine knew this; that’s why she dated Jerry, but never Kramer or George. Rebecca “Becky” Donaldson didn’t mess around with Joey, or Danny Tanner, she was fucking Uncle Jessie… Have Mercy! Even the guys followed the rules. Zack could bang any girl in the entire school, all of them if he wanted, except Lisa or Jessie. Rules are rules. The only 90’s show that broke this rule was 90210 but let's be honest, they were a bunch of scallywag whores.

2. The nice guy always wins!

Think about it… Tom Cruise? Keanu Reeves? Jerry Maguire? Tom Hanks? They always got the girl! Even when Jenny caught the “AIDS” Forrest still got a billion dollars from Apple. See, the nice guy wins again. If you were a rich businessman like say, Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) you could actually pay your hooker to quit hooking! Such a nice guy! So he got the girl of course, never mind that he liked hookers! Even if you died, it didn’t matter, if you were a nice guy you could find yourself a black lady with dreads, and she’d help you make out with your lady one last time! Speaking of black people we loved us some Fresh Prince, I mean LOVED him! I’m serious once upon a time, before Hitch and before he pushed his might-as-well-be-white, no talent, annoying, performer children on us, he played himself in every single movie that he made, and we didn’t even care. I’m telling you, nice guys could not lose… except Dawson.

3. Jordan Catalano was fucking beautiful, and even for guys he was an acceptable male crush to have, no homo.

4. Every girl was good looking.

Topanga, Blossom, Clarissa, even Kimmy Gibbler were all considered "good looking." Were there hot girls? Sure. Scary, Baby, Posh, and Ginger were all considered hot girls, oh yeah and Sporty Spice too… if you played lacrosse or softball.

5. We didn’t care a thing about Internet porn.
We didn’t need it, we had a girl named Britney Spears.

6. Girls loved musicians too, any musician, even the dirty ones.

The Counting Crows dude banged both of the hot girls from “Friends” (No, not Phoebe). Sporting a Mr. Rodgers sweater could get you some girls, but a sure thing was saying that you loved Dave Matthews; that shit would get you laid, but you had to listen to Crash about fifty times in a row. When bands came to town girls didn’t just fuck the lead singers, those days were over, now everyone had a shot… even the fat back up singers. Yes, even Joey Fatone got laid.

7. Hot girls killed vampires.

They didn’t try and bang them. Buffy the Vampire Slayer had it right. Although to be fair, the vampires in the 90’s didn’t have P90X yet, so the whole sexy vampire with “Stackhouse” abs, wasn’t really a deciding factor.

8.Safe sex was very important.

TLC wore condoms all over their clothes. It was ok to “creep” but you’d better wrap it. Somehow Magic Johnson didn’t get the memo, he should have stuck to the rivers and the lakes he was used to.

9. I was in love with Brad.

No, not Brad Pitt! Brad Taylor. She was a rich girl who trained horses and lived way out on a ranch somewhere, with an Indian guy named Danny, and a hot girl named Melody. Bradley was a complete bitch, but I loved her anyways. She is the reason today that I always fall for bitches. Hey Dude was my favorite TV show ever, and if you don’t know it, well that sucks for you.

10. If you were a gifted enough athlete then you could get away with murder.

No, not get away with murder like Kobe, Big Ben, Tiger or Vick. I mean actual murder… like killing. Like you could actually kill your wife. Hit me baby one more time. Run, O.J. run! People actually ran out and bought white Ford broncos because of that high speed chase, crazy right?

We were all a bit crazy back then, but love was simpler, maybe not for Zack Morris, but for the rest of us, it was for sure.

WJNTY-Daryl

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The Time I Rented a House

2011-11-28T11:03:00.000-05:00

One time, I decided to rent a house. I had been looking for a couple years, but never found anything that fit me perfectly. I would stay in decent hotels for a week or so, or fancy hotels for just one night. Sometimes I would crash at a place I used to stay in long ago, but most of the time I would stay at a friends house or had no place to stay at all. So I wandered around the country, looking for that perfect place I could call home.

And so I found it, I thought. The realtor and I talked about the place for a couple weeks; she showed me a picture or two and a short description. It sounded perfect! Possible long-term lease, newly remodeled, freshly cut grass and trimmed hedges, an addition to original house that really upped the value, and the prettiest outside color you’ve ever seen! It was the perfect size for one man to live in, not too small, but not big either… It was a newer house, not even 30 years old, but to the realtor’s knowledge it had been vacant for a couple years.

I didn’t think twice. From the moment I first saw the house in person I knew I had to have it. I couldn’t believe how well the house fit me. And it was a lease-to-own, what luck! Well, I took it, and about two weeks later, after staring at pictures multiple times a day, I finally had the chance to move in. Since I had been bouncing around from hotel room to hotel room and had not had a house in almost 3 years, I didn’t have too much baggage. And what I had, I put away neatly in my room. No need to clutter such a nice place. My first night sleeping in that house was pure bliss. I felt like it was meant for me. I was so comfortable, that within the next few weeks I started to spread around my artifacts from my room. A book of stories here, pictures there, a box of my most sacred items up on the mantle. I wanted to have my entire life on display in this house, because I was sure I would live in it for a long time. Those first two months were bliss.

It was not until a few months into my new situation that I first met the neighbors. They were nice, but a little quirky, and seemed to be having many problems in their own homes. I wasn’t quite sure why. They were nice enough, but not what I would have picked for my neighbors if I had the choice. I wasn’t worried though because I had many friends in their own homes in the area. Six wonderful months went by.

Everything was going great until one night, I came home to find the house’s architects sitting on my front porch. I was very happy to see them, as I wanted to share my love of the house with its’ builders. They didn’t seem as optimistic as I though, and told me, although I was a great tenant, that soon I would out grow the house and want a mansion. I couldn’t possibly see how. The one I was in was perfect, and I didn’t see how I could possibly be good enough for a mansion. They mentioned a few imperfections and some problems other tenants had had in the past. They had even lived in the house for 18 years, and it was always a slight struggle, however years 14-18 were particularly dicey. I chose to ignore their warnings and thanked them for everything as I walked into the house and shut the door. Interestingly enough, that night a closet door opened; one that I had never seen before. It was filled with interesting, some curious and some scary, items that past tenants had left. The closet was packed full of baggage, and when I went to poke at a bag, they all spilled out on the floor. I tried to stuff them back in the closet, but from that day forward I could only keep all the baggage in the closet for a day or two at a time. It had me completely baffled. How could I have not seen that closet before? And why would it not stay closed for more than a couple of days?

This went on for about a month until one night I came home from the local bar, trashed at 2am, feeling like a million bucks. The closet door was open again, but I ignored it and went straight to the bathroom. And wouldn’t ya know it, at the most inconvenient time, the plumbing happened to be broken. I couldn’t believe it! It wasn’t like I was going to go to another house’s bathroom, so I just went outside by myself. This continued off and on for the remainder of that cold month, but for some reason, it only happened late at night when I was drunk. I finally got fed up with this problem and went to stay at my friends for the weekend. When I came back the following Monday, the realtor had changed the locks. I was locked out of my own house! How could this have happened? I spent hours and hours working on the locks until finally I was able to get back in. But now for some reason, every other night when I would come home from dinner or drinks, I would have to fuss with the door for an hour or so, just so I could get some sleep. It was getting ridiculous.

Around this same time, I got a letter in the mail that the rent was raising. By 50% each month! And it also reminded me that if I were interested, a purchase offer would be accepted. I decided to stay in the house, even with the 50% increase in rent. I mean, where was I supposed to find a better place? All my friends loved my house, and I had put so much time and effort into becoming comfortable with it already. There was no way I could move. But I figured I needed a small vacation to think about my future in this place.

I came back a week later to a place that seemed to have been professionally touched up! The closet door was closed, grass and hedges trimmed perfectly, even a new coat of paint on the outside! I couldn’t believe it! I tried out the plumbing and it worked better than ever. It was like I had come back to my house, 2.0. Things were great for the next couple of weeks. I mostly stayed inside, rearranged all my belongings and even started to draft a letter to the realtor to extend my lease with intent to purchase. I was at the kitchen table finishing the letter when another guy wondered into the house. “Can I help you?” I asked. He said nothing, but turned around and walked back out. I thought it peculiar but paid no attention and continued to draft my letter.

After dinner one night with a friend, I came back to that same guy leaving my house. “Hey!” I yelled, “Come back here! What are you doing in my house?!” He took off sprinting, and I wasn’t able to catch him. I looked for clues all over my place but wasn’t able to find any. Just a few scuff marks that I had never noticed, and a pair of socks that I didn’t think were mine, but couldn’t be sure. So I stuck with my plan. I was all ready to send in the lease extension letter with my new 3-month required deposit when I decided to go out and have one or two drinks to think over this huge life decision.

There he was, sitting at my favorite bar. The guy I saw coming out of my house! I approached him, and after a little threatening, he admitted that he had been sleeping in my house off and on whenever I was away for the past month and a half. I couldn’t believe it, I asked how it started, and he said he showed up to a party at my place one weekend when I wasn’t there. I must have left a door open, and he walked right in. He told me the house looked lonely and he was too drunk to get home that night so he just stayed over, not really thinking anything of it. In the morning he ran out, so ashamed to have stayed over at someone else’s house, but after a few days he found himself drunk again, wandering over to my house, and with me gone again, he was able to let himself right in for a sleep over. This had become a more frequent thing in the past month and had started to include weekend stay-overs and even mid-day naps! All without paying any rent or having the pressures of extending the lease!

I couldn’t believe it, and couldn’t take it anymore. So I went home to pack up and leave. How could I continue sleeping in a house where someone else was crashing, rent free, whenever I was not around? Of course, I had to leave many of my pictures and memories inside. I stuffed them all in the closet with the other baggage. It was very difficult to leave, none of the doors would open, and the windows were all locked, but I eventually got out, leaving a large part of me behind in that house for the next tenant to deal with.

The realtor and I never did get along after that, I had to see her at random social functions, and she never would give me the time of day. I stayed with friends for months after moving out before crashing at my first hotel in well over a year, but it just didn’t seem right. Something was missing; there was no connection with the hotel room, nothing personal, no intimacy.

I still drive by that house every once in a while, wondering if I should stop in to see if anything has changed. It looks better than ever from the street. Every few months I’ll hear from a friend that a new tenant has moved in, but they don’t last long. I really loved that house, maybe I still do? But I’m now sure that someday I’ll be able to drive by that house on my way to my beautiful new mansion, and I won’t feel hatred anymore, but rather look at it as just another lesson learned in life. I’ll know that without that one-year lease, and all the short term rentals and extended hotel stays before it, I would have never learned all the lessons I needed to live out the rest of my days in a mansion.

WJNTY - Seth

Greetings from Key Largo...

2011-11-21T12:56:00.003-05:00

Greetings from Key Largo from us here at "We're Just Not There Yet!"

We're just not in the mood to blog today. Every single Monday without fail, WJNTY does a new blog. Every Monday that is, except for the one Monday a year when we relax down in Key Largo, Florida. It's been a great year and we thank you for keeping up with the blog each Monday. See you next week, and don't forget to check out our top ten blogs of the year.

Keep well,

WJNTY- Daryl and Seth

Feel it, Feel it, Come on, Come on...

2011-11-14T12:06:00.001-05:00

Were do I even begin?

So once upon a time I was on a music tour for an American pop singer. I wasn’t singing on it or anything like that, I was running the daily meet and greets with the fans for her. Anyhow, as we traveled around the country I started dating her girlfriend Natalie, who was also her personal assistant for the tour. We hung out every night and she showed me the ropes of the Hollywood posh lifestyle.

When the tour was over they went back home to Los Angeles, and about a month’s time had passed when she called me up and invited me out to New York City. They had some one off show to do. It was a Bat Mitzvah for a little girl, and the theme was “Willy Wonka.”

It was a very over the top party, the whole place looked just like the chocolate factory. There was a full size gummy bear tree, a chocolate stream, a bunch of Oompa Loompas running around and of course a popular pop singer doing five of her hit songs for the party’s main event.

We were all dressed up to the nines. I can’t even guess what that party cost to put on. Tommy Hilfiger was there, the Duchess of York as well and a bunch of other people whom I didn’t recognize. So what do grown-ups do at a “Willy Wonka” Bat Mitzvah? Drink for free of course. So I had some drinks, many drinks, and I wandered around waiting for my chance to tell Mr. Hilfiger that I really just didn’t get his clothes, and why wasn’t he wearing a puffy jacket? I didn’t end up speaking with him though, but I did talk with the lady that was dressed up as the goose (or maybe it was a swan) who was on a perch laying her golden chocolate eggs, no shit!

The songs were preformed, and the band was a hit. To celebrate her super easy payday the singer decided that we were all going to Nobu for some sushi. Nobu is an amazing place to go to dinner. Very celebrity friendly, very popular and not always the easiest place to get a table, but luckily for me I had a pop princess asking, and they usually got whatever the hell they wanted.

So we sat down. Natalie gave me a kiss; she told me that I looked as handsome as she’d ever seen me. She looked amazing too and I felt like a million bucks! Well actually I felt a bit drunk, but I felt like a million bucks too. It had already been an amazing night with much more hopefully to come. We were staying at the Four Seasons across the street from central park; it was very fancy, we even had a telescope in our room!

I can’t even tell you how big time I was feeling! Town cars, pop stars, Nobu, Oompa Loompas, pretty girls and foot tall eatable gummy bears!

So this was the good life that Kanye was singing about? I actually felt like I fit in, you know? Like I belonged here. I had arrived. People were coming up to our table to say hi, and I had a gorgeous woman holding my hand.

Nothing could ruin this night.

Nothing… except for maybe Marky fucking Mark.

So the tour manager (who is now one of my dearest friends) had been in the music business for a while, and he knew a lot of people. He was sitting across the table from us. It was one of those big round tables, I’m not sure if that helps you, but I’m trying to paint the whole scene. Well, so as I’m looking over the table, who is leaning down to say hello?

Yup, Marky.

Turns out that my friend was also his tour manager back in the day. As he introduces himself to the whole table, my penis started to cry. My penis already knew what I didn’t yet, that “we” didn’t stand a chance, against this real life-walking statue of David. He flashed his million dollar smile and in that bad boy accent said,

“Yo, Yo, Yo, it was wicked nice to meet you girls.”

Or however the hell he talks.

The girls were busy talking to each other, no doubt about him, when my buddy’s blackberry started vibrating on the table…

“D, Marky wants Natalie’s number!”

“What?! Don’t do it!” I begged him.

“Well what should I say,” he asked

“Um, say she’s with me!!!!”

“Fuck!”

“What’s wrong?” asked Natalie

“Nothing, eat your sushi”

“D, he just texted me again!”

I looked over and there was Marky holding his blackberry, he looks over his shoulder in my direction and flashed me smile.

Oh hell no!

I get up and go over to his table, and with help from every drop of alcohol that I’d already had that evening I say,

“Hey, where I come from that’s called being an dick! You don’t see that I’m sitting right next to her? Why are you being an asshole?”

“Excuse me? I’m sorry, what are you talking about bro?” He asked.

“The girl is with me, and you’re being a dick!” I informed him once again.

“Yo, what’s up with your boy?” he asked my friend.

I turned around and headed right outside, I guess I thought that’s where we’d settle it as men, though I think I’d forgotten to tell him to come along.

There were a bunch of smokers standing out there, and me. Smoke was now getting in my hair. Fuck New York City and fuck the funky bunch! I’d had enough.

My buddy comes outside and immediately starts laughing,

“Yo, you are tripping yo!” he said with a huge grin.

“Why are you so mad, he just wants to feel it, feel it, come on, come on.” He was dying laughing.

I decide that I can’t possibly go back into the restaurant. So I grab a cab and head to the hotel. The next thing I remember is waking up next to Natalie and trying to put my arm around her,

“Don’t touch me, you were a complete prick last night” she snipped.

“I came in and tried to hook up with you, but all you wanted to talk about was how you thought “Fear” was a shitty movie, and that you would have abs too if you shaved your body? What the hell were you talking about? What was your deal?” She demanded to know.

I told her the whole story, that I felt super insecure, and was afraid he’d steal her from me.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” she said.

Well, she did have a point there; I mean when you really think about it “Fear” is actually a pretty good movie.

WJNTY- Daryl

The Scarlet Baby

2011-11-10T11:57:00.000-05:00

“His name is De’Andre Swagboy Pierce. That’s gonna be my baby’s daddy right over there.” She motioned to the boy sitting in the corner, trying to look a little too thug. “Pierce is my last name, Baby Daddy’s gonna be salty when he realizes I gave it my name over his.”

Chanel Cookies Pierce is a fairly normal Texas sophomore. She plays on the JV basketball team, has a “B” in her geometry class, and hopes to get a job at the Sonic next year so she can have some extra spending money. But the one thing that sets Cookies (she prefers to go by her middle name) apart from the other 1000 students I’m speaking to today is the baby carriage in her hand. I didn’t think much of it until I saw her purse lying on top of her baby, sitting in the sun, on a hot Tuesday afternoon. I couldn’t help myself; no one else was saying anything, so I took it upon myself to be the responsible one… and sent over one of my guys to check it out.

Clarence: Excuse me, do you think maybe we should find you a spot in the shade with your baby?”

Cookies: Hahahah! That’s not real! You must be trippin. Hahahahaha! It’s just a doll, I carry it around as my punishment.

Clarence: (confused) Your punishment? I don’t understand. Is this for some class or something? SETH! You better come over here.

She continued to tell Clarence and I the story of what I’ve now deemed to be her scarlet baby. It turns out that Cookies’ Dad walked in on her and her boyfriend having sex last week. She’s 16. He’s 17 and drives a ’92 probe with 22’s. Her parents, realizing this situation was serious, took a chance at a highly unorthodox punishment. To really teach Cookies a lesson, they came up with the idea of a scarlet baby.

“My momma don’t want me to have a baby when she did. She loves me an all, and I’m her only so she wants more for me. She had me when she was 15 and had to drop out of school and stuff. Her life was hard, still is, but she has so much hope for me.”

Cookies’ mom has tried other punishments before. She tried grounding her daughter, blocking MTV, BET and the Food Network (she’s a bit overweight), taking away her cell phone, and even not letting her go out when boys are around. But nothing has really sunk in until this.

Cookies has to walk around school for two full weeks with a fake baby, as if it was a real one. She’s not allowed to neglect care or leave him unattended, and a few teachers and other parents are in on it to make sure she holds up her part of the bargain. She had to pick a name for him (didn’t get to choose girl or boy). Her mom gets her up at 4 am to the sounds of a crying baby over her stereo. She has to have him with her at class, lunch and practice, and can’t go out with her friends unless she can come up with enough of her own money to hire a professional baby sitter.

“It was kinda a joke for the first few days. My friends would borrow De’Andre Swagboy for pictures. The boys snickered. But then I was tired all the time and then I couldn’t go to the movies last Saturday or the mall on Sunday. And I can’t get in a car with my friends because there isn’t enough room for the carrier. And now I only have 4 days left, and I don’t know if I can make it… “

Me: But you’re leaving the doll out in the sun, with your purse on top of him, or it, or whatever you call it.”

Cookies: De’Andre Swagboy. Well that’s the thing. I can’t handle it right and he ain’t even real. My momma said I better treat him like a real baby, you know, that cries and stuff. And after a few days I started to really try. But it got too hard, so now I just let De’Andre Swagboy sleep till 3 when I get back home from school. It’s easier that way.

Clarence: So why didn’t you give the baby your “Baby Daddy’s last name?”

Cookies: Cause mine sounds better. His is dumb.

Me: What’s his last name?

Cookies: (pause) Uh… YO, JORDEN! WHAT’S YOUR LAST NAME?

Me: Nevermind.

Cookies went on to explain that this has been a real lesson to her. The teachers talk about teen pregnancy in school, and teach about protective sex in sex ed class. But you never actually have to deal with it in person. And schools are still missing the boat. In Texas (where this story occurred) schools are not required by law to teach sexual education courses, and those that do (mostly High Schools) must emphasize abstinence and the failure rate of contraceptives that might prevent STI’s or pregnancy. In fact, just this past Feburary 23^rd state lawmakers filed legislation that would require sex education classes in Texas to include information about contraceptives. Cookies and I discussed how teen pregnancy affected her school. She said the few people she knew that had gotten pregnant in the past years just kind of disappeared. After a certain point they just left school and you never heard from them again. Therefore, not only were the students not getting proper sex education, but also they weren’t exposed to the life changing effects of having unprotected sex… the life of a teen parent. Out of left field, she threw out an analogy that almost knocked me off my feet:

“You know how like in Chemistry you’re taught how to do experiments with dangerous things and stuff? Well take away any of the hands on parts, and that’s what you get with our school’s pregnancy teachings. If I had never used a Bunsen burner or hot plate, I would probably think I can just use them whenever with no consequences. Now that I’ve had a hands on experience, I know that I won’t be ready for years to have a baby. But I thought it’d be no problem before. You don’t know till you get burned.”

There has been some controversy at the school about Cookies’ punishment. Some parents think it’s too heavy, some teachers think it’s a distraction for other students. But Cookies’ mom is holding her ground. And from what I saw, Cookies’ casual attitude had been all but exterminated (well at least probably cut in half). She knows it’s not a joke anymore, and her scarlet baby has spread to the other students as well. The general consensus at this school is one of protected sex if any at all.

Chanel Cookies Pierce wants to be a pediatric nurse when she grows up. She wants little De’Andre Swagboy to be a football player. And she’s headed in the right direction with a 94 in her child development class, even though we need to work on her vocabulary and pronunciation a little.

The real hero today though is Mrs. Cookies (whatever her real name is) for standing up and actually creating a punishment that teaches rather than just prolongs the inevitable. In a day where it’s easier to step back and say that it’s not your problem, she’s standing up for what she believes in. No matter how much flack she’s taking from other parents and school administrators, she’s taking real world education into her own hands and standing her ground. I admire that. As for her dad who walked in on the incident? Well, I don’t admire him, but all good lessons have to start somewhere…

WJNTY – Seth

Special thanks to Clarence for making the interview possible. And to Cookies for telling all, even if most of what she said didn’t make any sense to us.

"WJNTY" We Ain't Singing We Bringing Drama...

2011-11-07T15:55:00.004-05:00

So this week I was going to write about the time I got into an argument with Marky Mark at Nobu in New York City, it was over a girl I was seeing… which is a great story, but it will have to wait because something’s come up.

We did an interview with The Huffington Post and after some great press, a radio interview, and about a zillion and one blog views, I’ve decided I really have no choice left, that like it or not, I have to respond to some of the “comments” that we’ve received.

Don’t worry, this won’t take too much time, and if we have any left over I’ll tell you all about Marky wanting to…

“Feel it, feel it, come on, come on”

Anyway, as you may, or may not already know, I wrote a book based on the blog that Seth and I do for “We’re Just Not There Yet.” It’s going to be released very soon and so we talked about the idea of taking interviews. I told Seth that I had no real interest in doing any interviews, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I have so many other things that I’d rather be doing with my time. Spending it arguing with fucking idiots, or helping to make an awful radio show a bit more exciting for four and a half minutes, it isn’t really my thing.

However, it was The Huffington Fucking Post, how do you turn that down for your very first interview, right?

So we did it.

I’m glad we did, but now I’d like to clear some things up, anytime you do an interview you’re at the mercy of the author, who I must say did a great job with the piece. We have real no complaints… with her; I do having something to say to the “critics” though.

In no particular order, this will be much like when 2-Pac went off at the end of “Hit ‘em Up,” if you don’t know that song reference it’s no big deal, it’s basically going to be an all over the place angry rant, and honestly it’s directed to a select few…

First up on my list, FUCK “Anonymous” whomever you are? If you’re sitting at a computer at two a.m. and have the time to leave us a hateful, pointless comment, then you also have the time to make up a fake name while you do it, but using “anonymous” what’s the fucking point?

We don’t censor any comments that come in, ever. People can write anything they want, even horrible stuff, and we’ll still post it up. That’s the way it should be. We welcome all feedback; good or bad… But to not even include a first name? So that we can at the very least say thank you? That’s pretty lame.

Next,

We write these blogs because it’s enjoyable to do. The same reason people do any hobby. Not because “we’re bitter.”

People have suggested that we’re “angry bitter fucks?” Angry, about what? Women? Well despite the belief by some out there that we're “playboys” and “shallow,” we’ve actually both had serious girlfriends while this whole adventure has taken place, truth be told I like having a girlfriend, so does Seth, unless they cry a lot, he gets bored with that! Me though? I like high maintenance women, and I like them to be a bit dramatic, I don’t have some axe to grind with women, I love dating and being a boyfriend! Also let me clear up that we’ve never claimed to be “experts” in dating.

We’re just normal guys.

In fact I went through an awful break up earlier this year and that’s when Seth started blogging even more (thanks again buddy) I didn’t feel like writing, I didn’t feel like being funny, or being hateful… which believe me I really could’ve, it’s a great break up story. Seth said “D, you have to write about her, you don’t owe her anything at this point, plus she left the country with that guy and they don’t even have the internet over there…”

But I didn’t. I haven’t written about her because I have no real interest in it. It wouldn’t be enjoyable, and that’s why we write. I don’t write to “get back” at people.

“They’re spoiled rich kids, trying to make another buck.”

We didn’t grow up rich. We’re not rich now. As far as actually getting “rich?” Well writing a book is just about the worst way that I know of to do that. If we wanted to get rich by writing a book, we’d be writing books about vampires who fuck wizards.

We’ve talked with some “big” publishers, but that’s not really for us, it's not our goal to be on Oprah, or to go on some “big” book tour and sign books outside a fucking Sears in the mall; it never was. We’re not “big publisher” material by choice (don’t get me wrong, if Penguin calls us we’ll talk) but in our one publisher meeting that we’ve taken so far, the fact that they said our writing was “too honest” was a big turn off. Not to name names of course (Simon & Schuster) they said we’re a little “too honest and too harsh…”

“You have to understand that this is a very “pink” industry, if you know what I mean, and you guys will run into a lot of women who are very high up in these offices, women who won’t let this book be published, you might have to tone it down a bit…”

Fuck that.

“We agreed to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help the Vagina…”

So to sum it all up, thank you everyone for all the love and support and for keeping up with “WJNTY” each and every week, and to the few man-hating, angry, single, healthy, tragic, stay up too late dumb asshole heads.

Thank you for giving us our busiest and most successful week ever… We promise there will be much more to come!

With much love, and middle fingers,

WJNTY- Daryl

Our First Press Photo!

2011-11-01T15:04:00.001-04:00

Final stages of editing for the book, then headed to print. We'll have a due date for you soon!

Why's the Check Engine Light Still On?

2011-10-31T12:54:00.001-04:00

So last week my best friend and I were in one of our favorite spots in the US. Scottsdale, AZ. First off, if you haven’t been there, you owe yourself a trip. Camelback mountain, Cougars, Old Scottsdale, Beautiful Resorts, a fake waterfront, 70 K college students running around and Gilligan’s (22’s in paper bags, and a midget bar) are just a few of the absolute gems located in this suburb of Phoenix, AZ. But this story could have happened anywhere in the world, it just so happened to be in one of my top 5 spots.

My best friend is an extremely well traveled, well-educated, handsome, fit, funny, biker. A catch for any lucky lady I'd say! We have known each other going on 9 years, and are currently sitting across from each other staring at the Vegas strip as I write this piece. As far as love is concerned, he considers himself a hopeful romantic rather than a hopeless one. But this blog isn’t entirely about my BFF, it’s about America.

This girl was trash… Well, let me rescind that comment. She was trashy, and not anywhere near the same league as my friend. But she had a great body, and a great… well… she was kinda dumb and wore a lot of makeup. But as we say in the South, she was “Sweet.” Anyway, it’s not that she was anything special, it’s that she was there, and he wanted to take a girl on his bike, have a great meal, and get balls deep into some good... conversation with a girl from AZ.

So the plan was on, she agreed to a date and he was excited. In fact, I hadn’t heard him so excited in quite a while. We got back from work around three and hit the pool at our cut-into-the-cliffs resort. They were supposed to meet at 7, and un-benounced to her, he'd made reservations at the nicest restaurant in 40 miles, a town car was lined up for them, and he'd even ironed a new shirt that he'd been saving for a special occasion. But in came the text (no call). She couldn’t make it. Tired was the excuse, a bad one at that.

He was devastated, I laughed my ass off. "I told you so" lingered on the tip of my tongue but I never let it go. It was the classic blow off, and he never saw it coming.

Now usually this would be the end of it. But he saw something in her that I obviously didn’t. Must have been something, maybe her teeth, I don’t know? So they made plans for a motorcycle ride the next day, and that next morning she canceled on him again. Plans for dinner, she ruined those too. But she promised and swore up and down that it wasn’t her fault, (she really liked my BFF). She would make it up to him on day three. And she finally showed up after work for dinner.

It was already dark so they got in her car to head out. The apologies started, conversations ensued about their days, and then… the check engine light came on:

BFF: You know your check engine light just came on…

Girl: Yea, it kinda goes on and off.

            BFF: Um, you know that usually means that
   something's wrong, have you had it checked?
   Girl: Uh, no, because it goes on and off.
   I figure if it was a real issue it would stay on, or I would
   hear something…

This was the straw that broke the camel's back for my friend, and the subject to this extremely long winded blog set-up.

Before you get too curious, the car did not blow up on the way back to the hotel, and my friend did not get his heart broken by this “Sweet” girl. However I didn’t even realize it, but I was getting a good look in the mirror from this little excursion.

The check engine light scenario is one I’ve seen with girls many times before. And it’s not about a lack of knowledge about the car they drive, or in the overall mechanics of a motorized vehicle, it’s about a lack of caring of the little things. The on and off check engine light is just a little thing and for the short term it probably doesn’t mean a whole lot, but it will eventually lead to a full on check engine light, and in this day and age, with highly smart computerized cars, check engine lights mean serious problems for your car.

Once the big light stays on, you very possibly have major problems. Problems that are going to cost you a lot of money, money you could have saved if you had paid attention to your early warning signals in the beginning.

And just like in any relationship, if you don’t deal with the little issues as they come up, they will all culminate into such a big issue, that you'll be in a situation where you're deciding whether or not to should fix the car, or sell it for much less than you think it’s worth.

My BFF should have recognized the problem when the first symptom crept up to the surface, but he let problem after problem occur until there was no other solution than to drop the entire situation, and kick that poor “Sweet” girl to the curb.

Do you have a check engine light going on in your relationship? If so, deal with it. I know it’s much easier to push all the problems and arguments off into the depths of your mind until the next scheduled checkup, but by that time the light will be on full time, and you might have a fatal problem on your hands. Don’t sell your relationship for scraps when a little more TLC along the way could save you a trip to the junkyard.

Our Grandparents always said: “If it’s still good, why would I want to get something new?” We don’t think that way anymore though; We need a new TV because it’s clearer than our non-broken one, a new computer because it’s faster than our already working one, and nice clothes because our non-damaged ones are out of fashion. Are we doing this with our relationships too?

Yes…

We jump into relationships too quick because of having a few things in common and a cute factor. We hide our real feelings for the fear of being too vulnerable to our “partner,” and when the real problems come out, we’re too quick to break up, or divorce a situation that could have been fixed if we'd only dealt with the little problems as they had occurred.

Next time, fix the small inconvenience before it grows into a relationship-ending problem. You’ll thank me for it later… And I thank my BFF.

WJNTY - Seth

Don't be a Trick, be a Treat!

2011-10-24T11:40:00.007-04:00

So, it's Halloween next week. And you still haven't picked a costume yet?

Well don’t worry because We’re Just Not There Yet is here to help. By the end of this blog, even if you still can’t decide on a costume, you’ll at least for sure know what NOT to wear!

1. Never dress as something that will get you fired from work...

I had a friend go as Michael Vick one year, which was current and clever at the time, except for the fact that my friend was a white guy. That takes a lot of make up man! Those Facebook pictures were a hit in the HR department at work too, not good! I knew someone else who went as a flasher one year, complete with a huge, fake, dangling penis. While he didn’t get fired from his job, he also didn’t get laid by anyone who worked there either; for a long, long time.

2. Don’t dress as something slutty, just because...

"Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it!"

Having a sexy Halloween costume is fun, but having a slutty one is just… well, slutty. Look, not every Halloween costume has to be a scary one, and not every costume has to be you almost naked either. Why do girls need to make every costume slutty on Halloween? I’ve seen a slutty... doctor, nurse, strawberry shortcake, cop, teacher, bat-woman, super-woman, playboy bunny, mermaid, construction worker, cat-woman, a firewoman and so on. The point is that these are boring costumes to begin with, and even after you “slut” them up a bit, they’re really just your cleavage in a push up bra, with a tail, cape, bunny ears or hat on, and some over-done eye makeup.

It doesn’t say, “I love Halloween.”

It screams, “I’m a skank, and just like every other night of the year, I need lots of attention, by the way how do my tits look?”

3. A creative costume makes you memorable, just don’t be too creative...

I once saw a guy dressed in all pink, with a boot on his head… he was a “piece of used chewing gum.” And another time there was a girl with a bunch of Ken dolls attached to her outfit… she was a “douche bag magnet.” Look, you don’t want to be so creative that people are guessing all night long. And don’t just be someone famous, put a spin on it! Really put some work into it. Why just be “Snooki” when you could be “Snooki without a valtrex prescription.” See, it's creative! Don’t just go as “Michael Jackson,” go as Michael Jackson’s black nose,” or as “Michael Jackson’s blanket…" wait um? Instead of just being a condom, how about you go as “Ashton Kutcher's never opened condom?” See, you want to put some thought into it, because while everyone else is running around in their underwear, freezing their ass off, you’ll be in an original costume... and warm!

4. If you’re going to go as something offensive go big or go home...

Every year you’ll see a few Halloween costumes that are just down right tasteless. This isn’t a bad thing, but the trick to pulling it off is to have the three “C’s.” You have to be clever, current and committed. For example, don’t just go as Natalee Holloway, go as Natalee Holloway with some ankle weights, covered in some sand, with some seaweed and an old condom in her hair. Or, don’t go as dead Dan Wheldon, instead go as his scalp, severed spinal cord or steering wheel! You could always go as a zombie, but why not go as a “Sugarland's crushed fan zombie?” See, it’s all about the three “C”s.

5. Don’t go dressed in a couple's costume, unless you’re married to that person...

These are the worst! John and Kate, Bieber and Gomez. Pauly D and Snookie, Arnold and the Nanny. It’s ok for boring couples to do this sort of thing, but I’ll just warn you, it usually ends up as a waste of a night out. You’ll end up standing by that person the whole evening because your costume is completely pointless without your other half being right there next to you. Now, for the guys, if it’s a girlfriend who makes you do this, she is also the same type who’ll demand that she be in your profile picture! Listen to me… when she goes off to the bathroom, go over there and hit on the slutty nurse, you have my blessing!

6. So what is a great costume then?

Anything that lets you enjoy the night out, while still being comfortable and hopefully not a complete cliché. I like scary costumes the best, but I can’t say that I’d blame you for passing on the two hours plus of makeup, especially if you’ll be out drinking all night. It should be a fun night, it’s your one chance a year to cut loose and to be different from the 9-5 version that everyone already knows of you. Have fun with it, girls should shouldn’t shy away from sexy, but be careful because there’s a thin line between sexy and stripper. Guys, if you’re hoping to meet a girl that night, think cool over super gory, just trust me.

Good luck, have fun, x-ray your candy and send us some pics!

WJNTY - Daryl

"Please tell 'em who the f#@k I is..."

2011-10-17T12:27:00.000-04:00

“So, have you seen the little girl singing the Nicki Minaj song? You have to see it, she’s so cute!”

Well, after hearing this for about the hundredth time, I decided to see what all the fuss was about. It didn’t take long to find. The little singer is an eight-year–old British girl named Sophia Grace Browniee and her (crazy parents') video went viral with 11 million views.

By the time I’d seen it, Sophia had already been asked on the “Ellen” show for her fifteen seconds of fame, and that performance included a chance to slut it up on stage in her very own pink hooker wig right next to Nicki Minaj herself!

How can anyone watch this video and see it as harmless?

She is eight–years old!

I’m so confused by this. Why would you ever let your child even listen to “Super Bass,” and worse, listen enough times to learn the lyrics to it! It made me so sad to see a little girl rapping about dudes with big dicks who sell coke an…

What? You mean you didn’t know that’s what the song is about!?

Here are some of the lyrics…

And he ill, he real, he might got a deal

He pop bottles and he got the right kind of build

He cold, he dope, he might sell coke

He always in the air, but he never fly coach

He a motherfucking trip, trip, sailor of the ship, ship

When he make it drip, drip kiss him on the lip, lip

That's the kind of dude I was lookin' for

And yes you'll get slapped if you're lookin' hoe

I said, excuse me you're a hell of a guy…

The second verse is my favorite though…

This one is for the boys in the polos

Entrepreneur niggas in the moguls

He could ball with the crew, he could solo

But I think I like him better when he dolo

And I think I like him better with the fitted cap on

He ain't even gotta try to put the mac on

He just gotta give me that look, when he give me that look

Then the panties comin' off, off, uh…

So now we have an eight-year-old in the national spotlight singing words that would have gotten me kicked out of school when I was a little boy. I’m not even that old! When we were little kids we sang songs about the Presidents and about the State capitals. Sometimes we even sang songs about school buses and animals. I don’t remember singing about panties coming off and coke dealers though.

Am I just getting old? Is that what this is?

I was heartbroken watching the video. Heart broken for the little girl. Her parents were there crying in the audience as she slutted it up with Nicki for all of America to admire. Actually, I guess I would be crying too.

It’s no wonder good relationships are so hard to come by these days. How do you find a good woman to date when most of them have been playing dress up “hooker” since they were eight-years-old? Young women of today have been groomed by television to be “hot” not pretty, “sexy” not classy, and when your little girl's role model is Nicki Minaj… well you fucked up pretty good.

Pop music has always caused a bit of a scene, from the days of Elvis to Madonna, and later on from Britney to Lady Gaga, there were always parents around who felt that the songs were just “too sexy” for their kids. I have to wonder now though, with an entire studio audience smiling and Ellen cheering them on, and eight million views online, are there any real parents left out there?

Every other comment on YouTube was “adorable,” “precious,” “too cute,” “so talented.”

When little girls want to become famous, that’s not really a talent, it’s a disease. Not the same kind that she’ll get from dropping her panties for the coke dealer at the club, but a disease all the same. What are we going to do as a country when ten years from now (Sophia will be eighteen) all of the eighteen-year-old girls want to be “hot,” instead of “smart”?

You have young women hitting the dating scene now who can’t even name a state capital or do simple math, yet they know every lyric, to every single top-forty song? They know who “Snooki” is, but not “Indra Nooyi?” You don’t know who she is either, do you?

Well, you should. She’s a very powerful woman who spends her days changing our world while some mother down in Georgia puts fake eyelashes on her six-year-old. Indra’s parents made her read and write her little ass off when she was small, and while the little American girls were dressing up playing Madonna, she was studying. I’m sure that Indra’s own daughter likes “Super Bass” too; I mean it is a super catchy song! But she won’t be on the Ellen Show performing it anytime soon, because her Mother is a super smart lady and is grooming her daughter to change the world, instead of teaching her how to be sexy.

Something has to change. Imagine if Nicki Minaj wrote songs about complex geno theory? Maybe that little girl would be able to cure cancer.

Instead she is rapping about sex, hoes, clubs and coke.

Maybe I’m a little off base here; after all I don’t have any kids. And at least it wasn’t Keri Hilson's “Turn my Swag on.” It always could be worse I guess.

Shit… I hate being right all the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlAt6vdp9P4&feature=related

WJNTY - Daryl

Bros Before Hoes...

2011-10-10T12:33:00.002-04:00

"Bros before Hoes"

What does that even mean?

I never use the word "Bro" myself. After spending a few months down in Miami I'd heard it said enough times to never say it again, plus the few times that I did try and say it I felt like "Pauly D" and I started to feel itchy all over.

I can tell you what the phrase means though. I heard a story once about a group of brothers and after hearing it, it the phrase made perfect sense to me.

The story also made me realize that I had the world’s greatest brother.

So I was taking my third "random" drug test of the year for work. I had this job that required the driving of very expensive vehicles. Part of the excitement of the job was the driving part of course, but also, you never really knew for sure when you would get a "random" drug test. Well, I got mine on a Tuesday and part of the whole deal was that you had only two hours to get down to the place, pee in a cup, and then wait for the verdict.

While I was sitting there waiting on my pee to do whatever the hell it does on that little strip of paper, I was getting nervous. Not because I’d done anything wrong. Besides even if I had, that sixty dollar GNC grape drink would prove my innocence...right? Should I have gone with the eighty dollar cherry drink instead? SHIT!!!

The test would take a good twenty minutes to produce its results. That seemed like an awfully long time for paper to just sit around soaking in pee. Especially when you were hi... sleepy. So anyway it was just me and the girl who worked there, the whole place was really quiet, no music or anything. I looked around the room and on the far wall was a big poster that read,

“Who’s my Daddy?”

It was a picture of a cute baby with a big question mark on its forehead, and it stated that they performed DNA tests right there onsite.

I couldn’t resist myself!

“Hey, so do you do the DNA testing?” I blurted out across the room to the pee cup girl.

“Yup” she said.

“Does it get crazy? What happens? Is it like Maury?”

“Well, we'll only give the results out here, I mean you have to come down in person, and we have a sheriff here whenever we do it.” she said

“What! Seriously?” I asked again in amazement.

“Yeah its pretty messed up actually, it can get wild in here” she said.

“Well tell me the worst one? Can you tell me! Please?” I begged her.

She proceeded to tell me the story of a business owner from around the area,

"So this guy was married to his wife for over thirty-five years, but I guess he’d fallen out of love with her and met someone else? I can’t really remember but they were getting divorced and she was madder then a wet hen! He’d promised her that he'd take care of her, and told her she could have the house, the boats, and horses... this guy was really well off I guess, anyhow when he said to her,

“Don't worry, I’ll take care of you and the kids, I promise you that.”

She responded, “I don’t know why you’re so worried about the kids, they’re not yours anyway!”

Well, so then he called us.

They had three sons, twenty-one, twenty-four and eighteen years old.

He said that he’d always wondered if his eighteen-year-old son was truly his or not, and now with this divorce and her crazy comment, he just had to know for sure. So we tested him.

Well, the DNA wasn’t a match…

“That so messed up, I can’t even imagine” I said

“Yeah but it was really close to a match” she continued, “So we asked him if he had a brother and…”

“Shut the fuck up!!!” I interrupted

"He said yes that he did have a brother, and so he asked his brother to come in and get tested; and so his brother did, and as it turned out his brother was a perfect match for the child. Well, so now of course this guy wants to be tested for his other two sons, but the same thing happens again. The DNA is really close to his, but not an exact match. So again we tested his brother, only this time it wasn’t a match for him either. So this guy then has his other two brothers come down for testing...

"Wait, three brothers?" I asked.

"Yeah, he had three brothers, we knew that his one brother was a match for one, but now we had to test other two brothers"

"One of them turned out to be the father of two of the boys, and the last of the brothers was clean. This lady had three kids, with two of her husbands brothers and then lied to him about it for over twenty-five years!"

I couldn’t even speak.

"So, that was that, he got his divorce and she didn’t receive a single penny, she could have her a boat, house, and horses, but didn’t get a dime in the end. He said he loved the boys and still loved his brothers, and that it was a long, long time ago, that he didn’t really see the point in tearing apart the family. But man, those poor boys! Imagine finding out that their uncles were really their Fathers!"

It was silent for about five minutes.

“Hey your test is done, its clean you're good to go” She said.

I walked outside and called up my Brother.

“Hey man, I love you!”

“Love you too bud, what’s up?”

“I just realized what "bros before hoes" actually means"

Then I told him the whole tale. I was so glad to have a REALLY good guy for a brother, I'm not sure if I could ever be as forgiving as the business man was, luckily I would never have to find out.

Love you Bro!

Daryl-WJNTY

The Ralph Macchio Story - Relationship Advice from the Karate Kid

2011-10-03T09:06:00.000-04:00

So this blog has absolutely nothing to do with Karate, or Ralph Macchio and his pathetic adult film career, or old creepy Asians for that matter. We will not be discussing waxing on and off nor will we talk about torturing poor innocent flies brutally and inhumanely with a pair of wooden sticks. But there are a few parallels you can pull from the early career of the Karate Kid (the white one) that we can relate to relationships, and here at WJNTY, today, we will do just that.

#1 Practice Makes Perfect:

Do you think world class athletes, musicians, actors, artists or corporate executives were just born with dominance exuding from their fingertips? No. They practiced infectiously. The common time range given to become “pro” in your chosen discipline is ten years. Ten years of dedicated practice. Yes, of course there are some “natural” factors, but if you practice day in, day out anything for ten years, you should be in the top 2-3% of people in the world with that talent. Playing the piano, a new language, golf, writing, MMA, you name it, if you have the mental dedication, you can be one of the elite.

If you don’t practice dating, you’ll never be any good at it. I promise that every new situation that comes across your plate doesn’t have the potential to be “the one.” So take a few more liberties and have a few more dates. I’m not saying sleep with everyone, but learn exactly who’s out there. Date people from all different walks of life, from different parts of the country or world. This way when a hot Australian guy with Abs comes up to you during your friends bachelorette party 3 years into your marriage, you’ll be able to turn down the anonymous sex and cheating because you’ve already found out, that down under, they're nothing more than just another guy.

Some people might be thinking that ten years sounds ridiculous when talking about dating, but it’s really not when you look at the big picture…

Ten years is a very respectable number of years you should be on the dating scene before settling down to marry. If you started dating when you were 15 or 16, you’d be 25 or 26 years old and have a much better head on your shoulders, a little experience and some extra stability. Doesn’t sound like a terrible way to start a life with someone. I remember being 22, thinking about marriage, and feeling that I knew what I was doing. If I could go back, I’d knock some sense into 22 year old me.

#2 Never Trust Skeletons:

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. We all have one, or a few deep, dark secrets that we will hide from the majority of people. I’ll let you in on a little on of those secrets; the people who openly admit to having walls up and multiple “deep, dark” secrets are desperate for your attention, love and affection. They want you to ask about the secrets and want you to try and break through the walls, and more often than not, they’re nut jobs. If you have a “deep, dark” secret that you don’t want anyone to know… don’t tell anyone. It’s like telling a kid there’s candy in the kitchen but he can’t have any. I say keep the past in the past and don’t let it affect your everyday life. And if it does, go see a physiatrist, not your newest boyfriend.

I can understand being hesitant about letting someone completely into your life, family, feelings and or past, but keeping up multiple walls and constantly talking about them is just wrong. If someone tries to pull this shit on you, tell him or her to wax off.

#3 Don’t Try to Pull the Biggest Roll of Your Life too Young:

Ralph Macchio typecast himself as the nice, sincere, caring, high-kicking young kid way too early. And because of it, unless followed by sad laughter his name hasn’t come up since. It’s hard for child actors to graduate into more mature rolls, just as it’s hard for the most popular girl in High School to graduate to the concept of an adult relationship after her divorce with the Quarterback is finalized. Therefore, I say don’t let your first role be your best, or even worse, your last. Work your way up thru role after role until you finally find your nitch, and the role of a lifetime. If you take too big of a role too early, when you’re not ready for the fame, you could end up hating that “role” (spouse), and after years and years of the same “interviews” (arguments), end up doing “commercials” (affairs) on the side to keep you and your “family” (your family) sane and above water.

#4 If You Have to Move to a New Place, Make Friends Quick:

Daniel was a little slow on this one. I think I remember his mom saying something like, “Be yourself!” Or, “If the kids pick on you, it’s because they like you!” Well, she may not have said exactly those words, but she might as well have. Kids of the same gender never pick on each other because they like the person. Little boys pick on little girls. It’s a form of flirting that continues well past college. It works. But as an adult, you can’t rely on a group of bullies next door coming over and keeping you company. You’ll have to go out and make friends yourself. Joining a gym, taking your dog for a walk and wandering around a bookstore for hours won’t do anything for you unless you talk to the people around you. Put yourself out there, even if you’re shy. It will be a great way to build your confidence and find some cool new friends, all at once.

#5 Don’t be too Nice:

You know what they say, nice guys finish last. It’s true, just look at old Ralph. And me, for years. Now, it’s interesting, because I hear girls say all the time, “All I want is a nice guy!” But this really means, “all I want is a guy who is going to respect me, but is financially comfortable, has interests similar to mine, comes from a good family, is funny and will let me keep my cat!” It’s not that girls want assholes, this is a misconception, what they want is a guy who isn’t going to be pushed around, has a little mystery, is confident and has a little edge. Many times girls only get a guy with a couple of these traits, say confidence and non-pushed-aroundedness, and they end up with an asshole. That’s their mistake, not the asshole’s. However, it’s very easy for a nice guy to typecast a guy with all these traits as an asshole. We’re not.

This goes for girls though too. Don’t be too nice to your guy, and don’t be a pushover. He wants you to keep him in check, he wants to have to try to win you over (or get you in bed) and he wants you to stand up for yourself. If you agree with everything he says, or let him get away with anything in the attempt to be “nice,” he’ll go bang the chick with sleeve tats at the coffee shop out of boredom.

#6 When a Good Thing Ends, Stay Away From the Sequels:

Did you even know there was a Karate Kid II & III? That’s what I thought… I’ll hedge a bet that it was the two sequels that kept Macchio’s career from expanding, not his boyish looks or nice guy attitude. The guy has 40 years of acting experience yet looks like a 17 year old! Tell me they couldn’t have found tweener a role for that. Anyway, once a great relationship ends, leave it that way. Don’t keep trying to have sequels of your own. The next time you try with your ex will probably end horribly, and each time after just gets exponentially worse. Eventually you’ll wear yourself down so much from trying to keep the same franchise living, that you’ll be turned off by relationships all together. Go get a bunch of cats and move into a van down by the river, because you’re going to be jaded.

#7 If You’re the Best Around, Nothing Will Ever Keep You Down:

This one is pretty self-explanatory… I think. What I take out of it is that if you are comfortable with yourself, and know you are projecting your best version of yourself at all times, you shouldn’t be hurt by others not liking you for who you are. If you’re broken up with, don’t let him keep you down. It doesn’t matter how much you loved him, because apparently it wasn’t reciprocal, and you shouldn’t waste one second trying to remind him why you’re so amazing. Put your chin up and go out and get boyfriend 2.0, he’s out there, you just haven’t been looking hard enough.

With all this being said, Ralph Macchio today is actually an extreemly respectable man, overall nice guy, and allegedly great husband and father. And unfortunatley, that's what is keeping him from landing another job in Hollywood. Weird how that works, huh...

WJNTY - Seth

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"Your Pink Box"

2011-09-26T10:28:00.008-04:00

Valentine’s Day… yuck!

I’m a guy. So I guess it makes sense that I’m not supposed to care much about V-day, which isn’t too far off from the truth, but I’ll tell you why, and maybe you’ll agree with me that this is one holiday that we can all survive without!

I mostly don’t like it because the whole thing seems so forced. Like having to attend your cousin’s wedding that you really just don’t give a shit about! Besides, I think that girls don’t really care as much about the actual day, as they do about not being alone on it! It’s like Kanye West said before he lost his fucking mind,

“Having money isn’t everything, not having it is… “

The same goes for girls when it comes to love. Having love isn’t everything, not having it is.

The theory that we came up with for our book “We’re just not there yet,” is that girls would rather have “Somebody” rather than “Nobody.” It’s hard to argue against this concept since most women are often never really 100% single, starting from the time they’re twelve years old. Blame it on Disney, I suppose. The fear starts early and is practically carved into a little girl’s head and heart, branded in her mind.

A girl… being alone?

Really not ok!

Little girls are asked by a group of gushing women, “Do you have a boyfriend?” When the child replies in her sweet, innocent four-year-old voice, “Yes,” the excited ladies follow it up with… “Well, is he cute?”

Try and tell me that you’ve never been apart of this or seen it happen? Don’t feel bad; you’re only doing it because it was done to you. From first grade on little girls are aware that getting a boyfriend is on the list of shit to get done Yesterday.

I remember being little, sitting in school on Valentine’s Day, having to decorate shoeboxes and cut a slit into the top of the box so that we could collect our Valentines from our fellow classmates. Imagine, an entire classroom of little children, sitting over their bright pink and red construction paper covered boxes, with safety scissors, glue sticks and sticky tape, and carefully sorting through their cheap store bought cards. Disney characters and heart stickers everywhere! Four and five year olds stressing out over what to say, and how to say it. Who do I want to “BE MINE?”

Be mine?

How controlling is that fucking statement? MINE!

By the end of the day little girls were often crushed, devastated, and in a mad dash to get back home to have girl talk with Mommy. The little boys though? They hadn’t a clue what had just happened.

Why in the world does anyone think it’s cute to have little girls telling the little boys that they “Love” them, at four and five years old? Or for them to say that they have boyfriends? I think this shit starts way too young. Girls are on their quest to find themselves a man as early as three, even four years old! Well, American girls are anyway, and I have to wonder if in the midst of some far off jungle, somewhere under a shaded canopy of thousand foot tall trees, do the little tribe girls pressure the little tribe boys from two rivers over to be their boyfriends at five? God, I hope not!

We force this down our little girls’ throats and then we wonder why they don’t choose better when their time comes to actually date for real. From the time they’re tiny little girls they believe that they’re in a “relationship” or breaking up from one. This goes on until the day they marry. Trust me you’d be hard pressed to find a girl who’s ever been completely single from the time she was six on. They’re terrified of being alone.

Somebody, rather than nobody, makes more than just good sense, it becomes a mantra to live by. It’s a feeling as strong as right and wrong. Having somebody is right, and having nobody is wrong.

With this entire heartbreak warfare going on where are the boys? Where did they fit in?

Boys didn’t care about much else besides sports, trucks, guns, and super heroes. We dreamed big too and role-played for sure, but when we role-played, pretending to be say army guys, super heroes, or sports stars, guess what the very last thing we pretended to do was?

Be married, or pretend to have babies!

I don’t think that I have to tell you, that girls play very, very different; it’s just wild how different it is. Girls play with their toy kitchens and vacuums, and they’re always down to play some “house” at any given chance. Playing house means that someone will be the Mommy and someone will be the Daddy, even if there are two girls playing. And there’s always a little baby to feed. Having baby dolls is a must for little girls; and tell me what little American girl isn’t stocked full with princess stuff? We don’t even have a Monarch system in the United States, so without having any Kings or Queens to aspire to be like, I wonder where they get it? Little boys aren’t running around pretending to be Princes or Kings!

And no little girl ever pretends to be the single divorced mom when they play house with their friends!

So starting from about two years old it seems that girls are already searching for “The One” and guys are just looking to score…in baseball, soccer, football or basketball. I think that because of all this pressure the fear is so ingrained into our little girls’ heads, that the thought of being a Barbie in a big dream house, all alone without a Ken to lay naked on, is simply unbearable. So our little girls go through the rest of their lives making sure that having somebody, over nobody, is not just a silly thought in their head, it’s a LAW to live by!

That’s why V-day sucks for guys, because it has nothing to do with our relationship, or the love that we have for you. It’s really about the fact that your pink shoebox didn’t have nearly as many “Be Mine” cards in it as the little girl who sat next to you. From that moment on she instantly became the “slut” and you got your five-year-old heart broken, and now because of that I’m stuck buying candy and jewelry for the rest of my fucking life?

No thank you,

I’m sure “someone” else will.

Daryl-WJNTY

Sex by Numbers

2011-09-19T14:58:00.000-04:00

137…

That was the number some guy told me at the bar the other night. He was a little tipsy, and was clearly trying to sound cooler than what his Tap-Out shirt portrayed, but he was insistent about the fact that he knew the exact number (137) of women he had slept with in his past.

“That could change tonight if I meet the right one!” He joked,
“Or the right-now one!! Hahahahaha.”

I didn’t laugh. In fact, I thought it was pretty lame that this guy was trying to impress another guy with his “number.” I’ve always heard the fact that guys triple it, and girls cut it in thirds, so I asked him, “Do you impress girls with that fact?”

“Oh, no man. Never tell a girl your real number. Girls don’t want to hear that shit, you know? But I always make sure to get theirs'. Don’t want to be sleeping with any tramps if you know what I mean... you could wind up with the hot piss.” He nudged me in the side, like we had a common understanding of the hot piss. We didn’t, so I took that as my cue to walk away from the bar.

A real winner that guy was for sure. Although later in the evening I did see him talking to a bachelorette party’s healthy wing girl… so at least he had that going for him… which was nice.

But it got me thinking. Thinking about one of the most controversial questions in dating and early parts of relationships: “What’s your number?” As in, how many people have you been with?

It’s a tough one for sure. Everyone’s curious, but I’m not sure people should be allowed to ask this question. I mean, what’s the point? Unless you are looking for a partner who wants to hold out for marriage before they do the no pants dance, why would you care if it was 2 or 20? Everyone knows the other person is lying, so why ask? Even if you tell the truth, there’s no comfortable number that is ok with the other person. Either they are going to look like they’ve driven around the block a few too many times, or haven’t had enough experience to even know how to drive the car correctly.

I’ve heard 8 is a good number to use. It says, “I’m experienced but not trashy.” But how do you get to that magical number 8? Is it just sex that counts in your calculations? What about a blow job? Or a wristy? Does playing “just the tip” count in your tally? Or 8^th grade style dry humping? What if he was a two pump chump? Or if you were too drunk to remember if it actually happened or not? Does anal count? And what about a three-some? Do you count that as two or just one? If it happens with one girl and two guys do guys only count that as a half? What if you didn’t get off!? What if your cat was watching? Why would that even matter? God, my head hurts just thinking about all the calculations needed to find the "number." Since when did trigonometry become necessary to figure out my sexual past? I guess it all just comes down to what your definition of “is” is. Unfortunately, I think the jury is still out on this one. Slander I say! It’s all slander. That’s the spoken one, right? Oh man, I should have paid more attention in school.

So why do you ask? Do you really want to know? Is it really that important?

“But I want to know if he’s a player or not! I’m not going to sleep with him if he’s slutty!”

Hun, if you have to ask a numbers question to figure out if he’s a slut or not, chances are you don’t know this guy well enough to sleep with. And if there’s any quiver of a thought in your mind that he might get around, he probably does.

So what will getting his answer do for you? Well for starters, it’s probably not going to change your mind on sleeping with him or not, so that’s pointless. And it’s not going to give you any clear confidence on how good he is in the sack, so that’s out. But what it will do for sure is make you feel worse about yourself that you slept with him after you had verbal confirmation that not only is he a whore, but he’s also a liar.

Listen, there is no number that is a good number. Trust me on this one. I find the question so immature that I’ve actually ended dates and stopped relationships from continuing on, based upon my potential partner's need to know this pointless fact. I figure if they're so concerned with such an inconsequential fact as my number, they’ll probably also be very concerned with picking out the perfect monogrammed towels that we can’t use and matching throw pillows that we can’t sleep on. And I’m just not into all of that. So I say stay away from the question all together. It’s bad news. And you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat, and we know how you girls love your cats…

So the moral of the story, or cliff notes for those who decided to skip straight to the end; Don’t ever ask the “numbers” question, because either way you look at it, you’re fucked… oh shit, well, tally up one more for the list!

WJNTY - Seth

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WJNTY

I Have Seven Daughters...

2011-09-12T02:06:00.007-04:00

I have seven daughters. Crazy right? I never thought while growing up that someday I’d raise seven girls and help turn them into women.

It’s funny how life works out sometimes; I mean I never really planned for it to happen. I’d always felt way too young to be anyone’s Father but you know what they say, sometimes you just have to step up and be a man about it, and so I did.

As any parent will tell you, the first one is always the hardest. It’s scary being a first time parent, you really have no clue what you’re doing, or if you’re any good at it?

I was in high school when I had my first daughter. Like a boy version of “Juno.” I just wanted a pretty girlfriend and instead I got a daughter in the deal. She was older than me by about two years, and at first we didn’t know what the hell we were doing, it was really tough, boy she cried a lot that first year!

I’d stay on the phone with her until her “other parents” made her hang up and get ready for bed.

Oh… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to confuse you. No, I’ve never had an actual baby. I’m talking about the girls that I’ve dated.

This all came to light for me recently while I was talking to a friend of mine who teaches a K-5 class. Everyday she’d go into battle and face that room full of little sticky monsters, doing her very best to get them to behave.

She told me once, “The thing is you can’t really argue with a five year old, and using logic doesn’t work well either, it’s pointless…the only thing you can do is negotiate, while providing real life examples for them.”

I was amazed! The things she was saying to these five year-olds in her “negotiations,” were the exact same things that I’d said to the girls that I’ve dated!

Example 1: The jealousy game, two kids, one toy.

Teacher: I thought you said yesterday that she was your best friend?

Child: No, I hate her, she won’t let me use her (insert random toy name) and she has two of them!

Teacher: Well, that may be true, but remember you have (insert another random toy name) and she doesn’t, and I’d be willing to bet that she wished that she had a chance to play with it, don’t you think?

Wow! How many times had a girlfriend called me and complained about something that her best friend had, that she didn’t? Be it new boobs, highlights, a new purse, a yorkie or whatever the case may be. I’d listen, and then I would explain to her that while that may be the case, she should remember that she had prettier eyes than her girlfriend did, and much nicer skin, and after all she was taller and had a hotter boyfriend (that would be me) one that had never cheated on her either!

“You didn’t think of that did you honey?”

Problem solved.

Example 2: A child is being loud and disruptive while she’s teaching up at the front of the room.

She explained to me that in this instance, yelling doesn’t work.

“You can try and tell a five year old to be quiet a million times…but they’ll forget about it in two seconds, and crossing the room to address it is just giving in…so what I do is cross my arms, and I don’t say a word… I just stare at the child until they really feel it, and soon the whole class is quiet except for that little monster, and then I say with extreme pity in my voice,

“How embarrassing for you”

“Works every time, it’s funny now the other kids are starting to say it too. I heard a little girl in the hallway tell her classmate who was laying on the floor throwing a screaming tantrum…how embarrassing for you, and the crying stopped!”

I can’t tell you how many nights my girlfriend would come home wasted face and missing a shoe, slurring words, while her girlfriend was drunk on our couch screaming into a cell phone at her ex, and the third friend was god only knows where because they’d left her with some guy two hours earlier. And there she’d sit on our kitchen floor looking up at me, her makeup a mess, shoving pizza rolls into her mouth, I’d stare at her with my arms crossed and say,

“How embarrassing for you”

Example: 3 A five year old can’t lie very well.

Teacher: Did you hit her?

Child: No, she fell.

Teacher: Why is she crying?

Child: She’s sad?

Teacher: I saw you hit her.

Child: Well she called me a dummy head!

Sometimes with a girlfriend you have to ask the question a few times, and a few different ways to get the real answer.

Me: Did you kiss him?

Her: No.

Me: Are you sure?

Her: Yes…we’ve never hooked up.

Me: I know, but did you kiss him?

Her: No, I told you that already!

Me: Ok so nothing happened then?

Her: Well he kissed me...

Example 4: The bribe!

Sometimes with five year olds you have to sweeten the deal to get the job done quickly.

Teacher: I need you to clean up your work area.

Child: I already did it.

Teacher: Well good, I’ll come over there and check and if it’s really good you’ll get a cookie!

Child: Wait! Give me four more seconds!

Girlfriends can require extreme motivation. I have often had to resort to the bribe to make things happen.

Me: Your closet is a mess honey!

Her: I don’t have any room!

Me: Well maybe get rid of some stuff you don’t wear!

Her But I wear all of it, there’s just no room!

Me: Well, if you find some extra room I’ll take you shopping for some jeans and tops.

Her: Well, I don’t really wear all of it I guess, I mean I can get rid of these, and this top I actually hate and…

So as it turns out after all this dating, I was actually one hell of a Father. All this time I never even knew I had it in me. Their biological parents would thank me profusely for my noble efforts, and I’ve even gotten a few calls from my girls telling me how much they missed me, and how much they’d learned from me. It felt good. Like a proud parent!

I’m lucky, some of my daughters turned out to be very sweet girls who are now married and have children of their own. One of them is still angry with me and hasn’t come around yet, but I’m sure she will; and another one moved off to Russia for a boy, so I guess no Father’s perfect? See with children you never know what you’ll get. All you can do is just hope that they’re happy…well that, and pray that they don’t end up pregnant or in a ditch.

Because lets face it, what other choice do you have? You can’t ground your girlfriend.

WJNTY-Daryl